


Innocence Taken

by superasia8



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Youtube RPF
Genre: Blood and Violence, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape, depictions of past rape, not an established relathionship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 09:32:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3062786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superasia8/pseuds/superasia8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One decision can sometimes change your whole life.<br/>And what happens when Dan Howell takes different way back home on one particular night?<br/>Can this choice bring him in the spiral of panic attacks and constant fear of touch?<br/>Is Phil even able to keep his friend safe after what he went through?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. THAT night

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! AreYouHaight and LovesReading here and this is my New Year's gift for you all! :)
> 
> WARNINGS: rape/non-con, violence and blood
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dan nor Phil. This story is a work of fiction!

My shoes gave an oddly loud sound in the darkness as my feet were moving forward. It was quite late now and whole London turned into its normal night mode; the neony signs were lightning up the bars' windows, drunk people were coming back from parties, helping each other to stay upright. A muffled music could be heard from the insides of the many clubs.

 _London on a typical night,_  I thought.

Streetlamps were a faint source of light in the dark and now also empty streets of the city. I looked around myself, noticing how much my surrounding has changed. There weren't any passer-bies here and the streets looked less clean, they were littered with papers and rubbish from overturned bins. I didn't see any people going that direction and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. But I kept walking, having in my mind that if I turned around now, it would take me even longer to get home.

I didn't know when I started feeling weird, like someone was following me. But when I looked over my shoulder, there was no one behind me. I pulled out my phone, checking if I had any new messages. And there was one. It was from Phil,

_From: Phil_

_Where r u? It's getting late._

_He was worried about me,_  I realized after I read his words. I quickly typed him a short answer while still walking. I did not want to stop in the middle of this dark street, it would only make me more scared.

_From: Dan_

_I am_ \- I looked around, searching for any sign with a name of the street I was already walking. _I am almost there, I think. Give me ten minutes and if I don't show up in front of our apartment, you can call the police xd_

I sent it and after not even a few seconds, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket so I took it out again.

_From: Phil_

_Just watch out. I'll be waiting xx_

I smiled to the screen and hid my phone into my pocket. I kept walking for a few minutes but nothing seemed familiar. I've never seen this place. I started typing to Phil again but almost dropped my phone, breaking it on the concrete when I heard something falling down behind me. I immediately turned around, my pulse quickening.

A lid from one of the skips was spinning around on the pavement and making a loud tone. It ended after a second when the metal stopped circling. I mirrored the street with my eyes but I didn't catch anything out of the ordinar, I didn't see anyone lurking in the darkness.

 _That's because there is no one there,_  I told myself, just for the sake of calming myself down a bit. I started my pace again though this time, it was much quicker but I tried not to run. I've read somewhere that if someone was after you, you should act like you didn't know they were as long as you could.

 _God, why am I thinking like that? There is no reason to do so,_  I thought.

I almost sighed from relief when I recognised a familliar name of the street that was very close to the one we were living at. In the same time, I felt someone's eyes piercing into the back of my head and I tried to not start running.

 _There's no one there, Dan. So calm down,_  I tried to assure myself but this time, there was no use in it.

I could practically feel someone's else's presence, I heard their footsteps behind me, like they no longer bothered to stay unheard. Now I couldn't wait for any better reason and I started running almost right away.

My lungs felt like they were made from iron and my breathing became harder with every next step I took. I was not a great runner and I hated exercising. I regretted it now as my throat felt dry and my heart was beating way too fast. I knew I wouldn't last long till I would fall, face down.

 _I need to think of something,_  I thought as my ears were full of wind but I could still hear thumping though it was faint, like they were far away.

I glanced behind my back only for a second. There was someone in black, a hood was pulled over his face and I noticed I've gained some distance between us.

 _Huh, I'm not so bad at running then,_  I grinned to myself at the thought. I then felt my foot tripping over some sticking out chunk of pavement just as I turned around.

It all happened quickly.

I knew that I toppled over few times before the world finally stopped spinning as my head hit something very hard and I saw stars. I heard someone laughing, still catching up to me. I tried to stand up but I only proceeded to push myself up in a sitting position. I clutched at my head and when I pulled it away, I saw a smear of blood on my fingers. There was still a small fog in my mind and I felt like nothing what actually was happening was real and I shook my head to sort out my mind just a bit.

When haziness passed, I was suddenly aware of someone else's body looming over mine and I flinched.

"Oh, don't be scared" whoever it was mocked and I shuddered. His voice was far too deep to be woman's, "We're just gonna have some fun together" The person kneeled beside me and I crawled away from him in a clear fear at his words.

 _What...? What did he say?,_  I asked myself. As he started to pull his hood off his face, I used all my power to stand up, my legs shaking, more from emotions than the effort.

"Don't even think you're going to run away. We've seen it doesn't work out" he said as I took a quick glance behind me. There was nothing else but a bricked wall there. I was in a fucking alley, trapped.

The man suddenly took step toward me and I backed away instantly as he approached. I didn't have much space and my back soon met a cold wall. My eyes widened and my breathing came in a quick heaves. I felt my legs shaking when the no longer hooded man got closer to me. As the moon lighted up the place he was standing in, I could see that there was a long scar on one side of his face like someone treated him with a sharp knife. It went from his lips, through cheek and ended almost near his left eye. I trembled and the man's mouth formed a large smile, like he was proud that he has made so big impression on me.

I was terrified and when I asked, my throat was squeezed,

"What do you want from me?" I questioned, my voice high-pitched as he got closer to me. "I've got money, you can take it" I squeaked as his face quickly got closer and was nearly beside mine now. I turned my face away from his when he nearly touched my neck and took in a deep breath.

"You" he murmured and my heart sank. My legs almost gave way beneath me and I held onto the wall for support. I swallowed hard, feeling how much dry my throat was.

"N- no" I objected, nearly tripping over my words.

"I didn't allow you to speak!" he bursted out and I shrank. My mind suddenly started working and it told me to do only one thing: _Scream, scream, someone will surely hear you! Scream, do something!_

For a while I was frozen on my place and he stepped forward. I looked around frantically, looking for some kind of a weapon. But I couldn't see any. As he got closer, I tried to kick him in the balls but his hand stopped my leg without any effort and I felt his hand on my thigh, going further. I immediately felt sick.

I saw there was only one thing left for me to do so I took in as big breath as I only could and opened my mouth widely, my scared voice screaming loudly,

 _"Help! Someone help me, plea-!"_  he cut me off with a hit to the stomach and I lost all the air from my lungs for a while.

His face was curved into a dissapointed expression and he shook his head as I desperately tried to catch some breath.

"I thought I told you the rule number one: no screaming" he glanced down at me while I was still bent down and added, "Guess I must forget about it" as he said it, he sent another punch to my stomach and I coughed, clutching it as it hurt.

He punched me again and I let out a quiet groan. He whispered into my ear,

"Now we're gonna have some good time together" he said as he roughly grasped my arms and pulled something out of his right pocket. I started squirimg and he only tightened his grip on me. "This is only so I won't need to punish you anymore"

When my eyes registered a cloth, my eyes watered up and I started screaming though he told me not to. _Fuck it, fuck him!,_  I thought.

I kicked blindly, hoping I'll meet his leg or something else but I missed it. He hit me again and just as I took in a quick breaths, he worked out to form the material into a ball and pull it into my mouth. I kicked again, and tried to hit him but when I did, he gave me another hard punch and I almost choked out the material.

"So brave we are, huh?" he said. I saw him holding a duct tape and before I could do anything, he shut my mouth with it. A few tears rolled down my cheek when he grabbed me by my arms, forcing me to sit down. I tried to scream, yell for someone to help me but all my mouth was able to emit was a muffled sound, not reminding words even a bit. "Perfect" he commented his job and I felt my eyes watering up at my hopelesness in the situation.

I could try to fight him and I did again, struggling to keep him far away from me. He only grinned at my panicked attempts but backed away when my foot nearly reached his stomach. My mouth was still covered with the strip but there was no time to release myself out of it. Of course, it would help me more; having the chance to scream for help but at the moment, the more important thing was to run away. If I didn't do this, I'd be screwed. Literally.

As I stood up shakily, he lunged at me, pinning me down to the floor and I made out a panicked muffled scream. Suddenly, he was on top of me, both of my hands blocked by one of his above my head. I tried to kick but his weight was not letting me to. I started crying when he touched my face with his second hand in almost caressing motion. He wiped tears from my face and I tried to turn away but I couldn't.

"Please, don't. Please, let me go" I begged, my voice muffled by the tape but he managed to understand me despite it.

"You'll see, you'll like it" he told and all of a sudden, all the hope I had was gone. He quickly turned me over on my stomach and I felt the cold concrete sharply jabbing me into my cheek. Suddenly the whole situation hit me and I started wriggling underneath him, trying to get him off of me, screaming through the material.

As soon as he noticed what I was actually doing, he only rammed his knee into my back, ending all of my struggles.

I couldn't move now, I discovered, and I let out a defeated cry. I heard him laughing above me and when I felt his hands pulling my jeans down, I suddenly didn't feel anything. It was almost like I was not there, like this was only some kind of a horrendous film. I felt his fingers touching my bare thigh but it was a very faint sensation. It didn't reach my brain. I couldn't understand that this was happening to me and I felt pity to someone who went through hell like that.

But just as there were words spoken, I couldn't deny the reality. I could no longer try not to notice the weight of the body pinning me down, the face which I was sure would haunt me in my dreams forever, which was now getting closer to mine. His words... they were too much for me to handle,

"See, it's easier when you don't fight" he spoke, like a kind of approval and I felt sick when his tongue lazily hovered round my cheek. I squeaked in horror but he got it as a sound of pleasure as he murmured something. I couldn't move at all and the thought was terrifying. I could only cry and as there was nothing else I could do at this point, I let the tears run down my face. They flew and created a damp wet spot on the pavement near where my head was lying.

I squeezed my eyes shut when he started. I didn't want to see it nor hear what was about to happen.


	2. Don't touch me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an hour and dozens of unanswered calls to Dan, Phil senses something's wrong and follows the only trail he has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, AreYouHaight and LovesReading greeting you and bringing next chapter! :)  
> Thanks for your comments, all the kudos and for reading!  
> Enjoy ;)
> 
> WARNINGS: depictions of results of rape and violence
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dan or Phil. They are normal human beings and this story is just a work of fiction.

I quickly locked the door of our apartment and took out my phone. No new messages, said screen, the last one was still mine, sent already an hour earlier to Dan, after ten minutes in which he promised me to be back home.

It passed not ten minutes now since he signalised it but a whole hour - sixty minutes, three thousands and six hundreds seconds. I tried calling him but every time I did, it ended on his voicemail. I was really scared, he always answered me or at least called back but this time it was different. I've been trying to get to him at least a thousand times and still, there was no feedback.

I tucked my hands further into the pockets of my jacket as I walked down the streets of London. The cafe Dan went to wasn't so far away from our apartment so it couldn't take him an hour to get back home.

 _At least not without any interferences,_  I thought.

I was almost beside the building but it seemed closed, everything inside was dark. I almost turned around but through the doors went out a girl. She was holding up her purse under her left arm as she turned to the doors, her keys jinging as she turned them in the lock.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry" I said as I sprinted up to her. The waitress turned around, facing me, her face a little anxious. But it changed after a while as she recognized me and her face turned into a smile. After all, me and Dan were regular clients here.

"Hey, I'm sorry but maybe you could help me. I'm looking for my friend. Maybe you have seen him today. His name is Dan. He has hair almost like me but it's brown and he may look a bit like a Mexican" I described shortly Dan's look to her.

The girl shook her head apologetically,

"He was here today, I think, but it was a long time ago. Maybe an hour and half. He left with someone" she said and I furrowed my brows.

_Dan left with someone? He didn't tell me he was going on a coffee to meet someone._

I thanked the girl and turned around.

Now I was staring at two streets as the cafe was laid on the cross of two roads. I had two options now; go the street we usually walked or go the one that was put straight in front of the cafe's entrance.

I thought about it for a while; if Dan chose the usual one, he would be home in fifteen minutes max but this option was nearly impossible because I'd meet him today at some point as I went to look for him now. He must go the other one then, I believed.

So I turned my body in the direction of the street I didn't even know the name of. I kept walking and walking and walking. The road seemed to never end.

This street could also lead to our apartment but the way down it took much longer than the latter so we almost never took it. Once, we've walked it when we were coming back from a party, both obviously drunk and we had mistaken it with the right one.

That's why I knew that in a few minutes I'd be met with a smell of a not taken out rubbish and a rotten fish or food. And just as I thought about it, I smelled it.

I didn't even bother to cover up my nose though the odour was horrible. I glanced at my phone, the screen lighted up my face. I dialled Dan's number and once I did, I heard a familliar song,

_So light 'em up, up, up! Light 'em up, up, up! Light them up, up, up, I'm on fire!_

_Wow, Dan has the same ringtone when somebody calls him, that's weird,_  I thought and my heart sank as I heard his happy voice encouraging me to leave him a message. In the same moment, the song stopped playing and I almost dropped my phone. With shaking hands I called him once again.

 _Please, don't play, don't play,_  I pried in my mind but after few _~beeps~_ , the Fall Out Boy started singing again. I looked around myself, my mind a bit hazy, looking for the source of sound. I walked farther down the street and the sound seemed to be closer now. It was the clearest when I approached an entrance of some dark alley.

The voicemail started, Dan's voice telling me to record on his voicemail but I ended the call and cut him off.

As I walked up closer to the alley, my heart skipped a beat or two. I stared at the phone laying on the concrete, still shining with notifications of dozens of my unanswered calls. There was a single break through the middle of the screen but it didn't look damaged.

 _But Dan isn't here,_  I noticed. I didn't know if I felt happy or worried about this fact. But what I knew about, was that I needed to find him.

I hastily hid his phone in my pocket and took a quick look around. It was some dark alley with no other exit than the entrance. A dead end.

All of a sudden, my breathing turned erratic as I saw some blood smeared on the very end of the wall, right next to the street. There was not a lot of it, it looked rather like someone had cut his finger a little, nothing dangerous. But still, calming myself down took me much too long than it should have.

_And I don't have much time. I need to find Dan. Now._

Seeing no other evidence that Dan was here except of his abandoned phone, I walked out of the alley and started my walk down the street again, into the direction of our apartment. I was still trembling as I felt Dan's phone in my left pocket, like it had weighed more than it really had. I wasn't aware that I started running. I only wanted Dan to be here with me and be able to hug him. Was it too much?

And then, I almost reached our street when I heard it.

A quiet sobbing, coming out from somewhere round where I was standing. What hurt me the most was that I knew whose crying it was because I would probably recognize this voice everywhere. We had spent so much time together that I could probably recognize him even in the dark.

My heart beating fast, I called out, my voice a bit shaky,

"Dan?" and the sobbing turned into a proper crying.

I followed the sound, my legs leading me into some dark corner, behind a big container. When I saw him, I bent down immediately but I guessed it was more likely because my legs would buckle beneath me either way.

"Dan..." I whispered, seeing him in this state. He was all dirty, his shirt teared in a few places, hair messy, eyes red and swollen. He sobbed and just as I spoke, he hugged himself even tighter, turning into the smallest human ball I've ever seen. Just as he wrapped his arms around himself, I noticed what was actually covering his skin.

"Blood?!" I asked, the question accidentally spilling out of my mouth. "Dan? Is it yours?" my voice raised a bit but it wasn't because I was angry. I was honestly freaking scared and worried about my friend. Dan must not know about it as he held himself even closer.

"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you" I assured him softly, feeling how something was wrong with his behavior.

How wrong it was to assure him that I wasn't going to do anything bad to him. I walked closer to him and just after a second, I noticed that he had a quite big bruise on his head, handmarks on his skin and a lot of scratches.

"Oh no..." I whispered, my eyes widening as I suddenly understood the situation. But it was very hard not to, it was too oblivious.

In the moment I found Dan's phone, I feared that he got robbed and maybe hurt in the process. But looking at it now, being robbed would be better from what most possibly happened.

Dan crawled even farther into his corner and he kept repeating,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

I tried to get closer to him but when I only moved, he shouted,

"DON'T COME CLOSER! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" 

It hurt, those words because I knew that he didn't mean them. He wouldn't normally say that.

I took a little step back, trying to hold back my tears. I couldn't start crying here. I wouldn't be able to help him then.

Dan looked at me, his eyes wide-opened and he mumbled,

"Sorry, I didn't mean it, I don't know why I shouted, sorry" he glanced down and I had a feeling that the last part was meant to be heard only by him.

He squeezed himself tighter suddenly and I was scared for a while that he was going to break his own bones. He swayed back and forth for a while and I watched it anxiously. I was still in a big shock and just seeing Dan like that made me very angry.

He wasn't himself at the moment, it was not a real Dan. Someone *hurt him, hurt him so much that the real Dan was gone somewhere now. The one who was always first to laugh and smile, to give the best sacrastic notes ever wasn't here. Instead of him, in front of me was scared and terrified Dan.

_Broken._

_Lost._

I couldn't even imagine what he was feeling right now. It was unbelieveable for me.

"I didn't want this," Dan began and I felt tears starting to form in the corners of my eyes, "but he told me he was going to kill me!" he casted me a momentary glance, like he was waiting for me to judge him. I opened my mouth to say I wasn't but he was still talking, probably more to himself than me. "And he had this knife..." he whispered and I looked at his bloodied hands.

"Dan? Did he-?" I started but he cut me off, as if I wasn't even there.

"I didn't want to hurt him but he was really going to kill me! I--" he paused, his lips twitching as he was looking for words, "It was an accident!" I heard and Dan made an eye contact with me but only for a brief moment, like he did it casually.

I saw tears in his eyes and I noticed more on his face, flying down on the cold concrete of London's pavement.

"You're going to be okay, Dan" I tried to assure him though I myself wasn't really sure about it.

I stood up from my place, taking out my phone. I chose 112 on my phone and waited several beeps until someone answered. I gave them the address and when the dispositor asked what was the case, I replied:

"My friend..." I swallowed hard. "I think he's been raped"

The voice on the other side told that the ambulance would be here in ten to fifteen minutes. I hung up and walked up once again to Dan. He was where I left him, still hugging himself, his eyes red but he wasn't crying. I almost took one step forward before I reminded myself that this could make him even more scared.

"Dan, you're going to be okay. It's fine now" I whispered, hoping to make him feel better but how could I? His whole life was crumbled into tiny pieces by some... monster.

And he just started sobbing as I said it.

He was crying, choking on his own tears that were trickling down his broken face and yet, I couldn't hold him, tell him it was all okay now, that everything could be like earlier. It hurt much more than if someone would push a knife into my heart. I could only look at him, as he was breaking down in front of me and I couldn't even do anything about it.

I heard sirens somewhere in the distance and I looked around. Some machine pulled up nearby. Mechanically walking out of the dark corner, onto the street, I waved at the three paramedics that hopped out of the ambulance. I glanced at Dan with my one eye; he was still where he was, almost not moving at all. The men and a woman rushed to me, a big bag hanging at their arm.

Questioning my state, I shook my head at them,

"No, it's not me. This way" I led them to Dan who was still in that corner. The paramedics exchanged glances and I was about to ask what it was but I felt a tap to my shoulder.

I jumped slightly, startled at the sudden touch. I turned around to find a police officer standing behind me.

"Sorry, Mr. Didn't mean to scare you. Can you answer me on a few questions?" he was clicking his pen on and off again, like he had a habit like this. I didn't know why but it started annoying me right away.

"Yeah, I guess I can do that"

_click, click_

"So..." he extended the word, like he was preparing a question. I looked at Dan but currently, I couldn't see my friend as the paramedics blocked him out of my view.

Another  _click, click._

"Do you know who the young man is?"

_click, click_

"Yeah, he's my, uh, my flatmate. His name is Daniel Howell" I responded almost automatically, my eyes slowly dashing out to the other direction, to the dark corner.

Two paramedics were approaching Dan now, a man holding his hand up, in a sign of surrender, the woman not so far from him. I didn't hear what the man was saying but I saw that his lips were moving so he must be saying something.

"How did you find him?" the question reminded me that I was still talking to an officer.

"I-- I went to look for him because he was running late and I found him here" he scribbled something down, clicking his pen off and on again. He looked rather young, almost my age and for a moment I thought it was quite surprising he was an officer so quickly.

"Have you seen the attacker?" he asked.

_Click, click_

"No, I actually-" a shrieking shout cut me off completely.

"DON'T TOUCH ME. STAY AWAY FROM ME!" we both turned our heads to Dan who was now standing beside a wall, his legs shaking, hands looking for support in the brickwork behind him.

I unconsciously stepped forward, wanting to protect him. In that moment the paramedic, who I suspected was talking to Dan earlier, said calmly,

"I'm not going to hurt you", while still slowly walking closer to my friend.

Dan's eyes were wide, he looked scared, frightened: "N-No, d-don't," he blurted out, "DON'T COME CLOSER!"

But the paramedic did it anyway and I saw how Dan was freaking out more with every next step the man took. He was shaking more and more and the paramedic was standing almost beside him now but suddenly he stopped. He motioned with his hand that was behind his back at the woman, who held something in her palm. She slowly, but gracefully, walked up to the man and slowly handed him the mysterious thing.

My eyes widened when I finally recognized what it was.

The man only grasped his hand at the needle and walked closer. I saw how fast Dan was breathing and I had no doubt he was starting to hyperventilate. I walked forward, trying to get closer to Dan but immediately a some hands stopped me. It was one of the paramedics.

"What are you doing?! He's really scared! Let me go!" I almost shouted but the paramedic shook his head.

"This is for his own good, trust me" he told and the man in front of us was still doing his work.

I obviously knew that they could do anything to prevent me from doing them any trouble, maybe even sedate me too but it wasn't the reason why I gave up. It wasn't fear about myself but the warm look in the man's eyes that I nodded and stepped back, giving them a free hand.

The man quickly got to Dan who screamed loudly my name but his cries faded after a while and his whole body went limp.

"I've got him" the paramedic said as he held Dan and slowly lowered him to the groung while the woman and man rushed to him with a stretcher.

She pulled it out next to my friend and said,

"On three"

The two men nodded.

"One, two, three"

They pulled Dan up onto the stretcher together and started their way to the car.

"Can I come with you?" I asked quickly as they were packing him up, the man looked significantly at the police officer who stared back, clicking his pen off and on again.

"I think I've got the most important informations" he answered after a second, "We will call you if we want to get more" he said and I almost sighed in relief.

The only thing I wanted to do now was to be with Dan, I didn't want to leave him alone with strangers. Even the paramedics. I myself wanted to make sure he was alright.

"Thank you" I mumbled as I got in the back of the ambulance where were only one of the paramedics and Dan.

The man told the other one behind the wheel to start the engine and the car drove. The woman was sticking to Dan some big machine and as she turned it on, there was a steady beeping of his heartbeat.

"So, you're friends, yeah?" she asked, her hands reaching out for another useful machines. We were alone here, the two of the men were in the front of the car.

"Yeah, yeah, we are" I muttered and she nodded.

When she was done with all of the machines, she took out some clipboard and a pen. She glanced at the heartbeat machine and wrote something down. I glanced at Dan in the meantime. He looked so peaceful, not frightened and panicked about someone touching him. Like he was actually okay, like nothing happened. But his face was dirty and clothes were ragged in places. He definitely didn't look casually.

"We needed to sedate him. He wouldn't let us help him." the paramedic explained, "Sorry about that" I heard her scribbling down again while my eyes couldn't leave Dan's face. I was so scared about him.

What will he do when he wakes up? He will be surely terrified.

_Oh God, what am I supposed to tell his parents? I need to call them and tell what happened to their son. Will they ever forgive me this?_

I hid my face in my hands and took a deep breath.

"Hey, it will get better" the woman said, giving me a comforting smile. I returned it though I didn't know how it ever could get better.

Dan was _raped_. My best friend was physically violated and it couldn't get better. No one could remove this out of his head, out of his memory. He would be haunted by this through his whole life. And I've failed as a friend. I should've gone looking for him earlier, maybe I could protect him? Maybe I could find him and we would simply go back to the apartment then, the whole thing never happening?

But maybe the woman was right and it would be fine in the end. But how could I believe her when Dan's frightened eyes were so freshly etched into my mind as well as his reaction on me getting near him?

The woman suddenly stood up and I noticed we have stopped. Someone opened the door and the paramedics pulled Dan out of the ambulance, driving him into the building of the hospital.

I followed, walking into the bright white hospital. As they passed one doors, a nurse came out from nowhere and stopped me before I'd go farther.

"I'm sorry, sir, you cannot go in there" I looked at the door, it said "Examination room".

I nodded and the nurse led me to a long row of black chairs. Before she hastily disappeared behing the doors of the room where Dan was, she said kindly,

"You can wait here"

I didn't. Instead of it, I grabbed my phone and realized I didn't even have number to Dan's parents. My hand touched my left pocket where was Dan's phone and I took it out.

I unlocked the screen and tried to not pay many attention to the dozens of notifications of my unanswered calls. The screen lighted up after a second and it went to the message Dan must have been typing but never sent.

_From: Phil_

_I think I got lost. I don`t know where-_  and it ended just right there, nothing else.

My eyes started watering up again as I thought that if I went looking for him earlier, maybe it wouldn't happen. Maybe he wouldn't get hurt. Maybe I could prevent it.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and went to his contacts, stopping at the _Mum._ I dialled it and after few rings, Mrs Howell picked up the phone,

"Dan, sweetie, it's very late. Something happened?" her tired yet happy voice almost caused me to cry out into the phone. This call shouldn't ever exist.

"Um, hi, it's Phil here, I..." I took a deep breath. I didn't even think about what to tell her. I didn't know where I should start from.

"Oh. Hi, Philip... Is something wrong? Where's Dan?" I could hear her tone changing to slightly worried. I had tears in my eyes when I realized how big bomb I was just going to drop on her.

"I-- I'm at the hospital and-" I paused, "Something bad happened to Dan and-" I took a long, deep breath, feeling how I was slowly losing all of my confidence I ever had.

The other side was silent for a while and when Dan's mum spoke, I heard her soft but concerned voice asking,

"Is he alright, Phil? What happened?"

"Could you get here, please?" I squeaked quickly. "Dan has been- I _think_ he's been raped" I choked out and Mrs Howell remained silent for a minute or two. I had no idea what was going through her mind right now.

"Look, Phil" before she started, I could hear her taking a deep breath, "I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can. What's the address?" I gave it and she spoke again,

"Okay. Listen, Phil. It's going to be alright, okay? I'll be there in an hour and it's going to be fine" I didn't know if she said it more to herself or me but I didn't have any time to ask about it as she hang up right then.

I sat in the chair then and stared ahead at the white wall. My mind was suddenly flooded with all the pictures of recent happenings; I saw Dan's frightened face, his tears, swollen eyes and I could swear I heard his miserable sobbing somewhere nearby.

I could no longer hold it all in myself and I cried out, crumpling myself on the uncomfortable and small hospital chair as Dan's frightened voice was constantly screaming in my mind,

**_"DON'T TOUCH ME!"_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> From this place, I make no promises because I don't know when I'm gonna update again :/  
> I'm going back to school again soon and that means work, work and once again work. So I'm not promising anything right now.  
> This also works for my other story, Light Up The Darkness. So I'm sorry if there's a big pause between updates but my semester is ending and I've got to finish things and such. I'm sorry for this!  
> I hope you liked it and I'll see you sometime! :)  
> Have a great week! BYE! :)


	3. I think something's wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finally gets to talk with Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! AreYouHaight and LovesReading here. This week's been crazy, hasn't it?  
> Okay, I'm ending my babble, hope you enjoy this ;)
> 
> WARNINGS: none for this one
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dan nor Phil, they're real people and live their own lives. This is work of fiction.

I opened my eyes and when I did, I realized I must have fallen asleep. I glanced at the clock on the wall and it said that an hour has passed. I rubbed my eyes from sleepiness and I heard some quiet voices. I looked up and saw that they belonged to nurses. I slowly sat up from my place and walked up to them.

"I'm sorry but maybe you know if Dan Howell has been examined already? He's been checked in about an hour ago"

The younger of the nurses stepped forward and I recognized her as the one who stopped me from walking in with paramedics and Dan.

"Come with me" she said and I followed her, going on another level of hospital. "Mr Howell has been examined already in fact" she was speaking while leading me through the maze of corridors.

"How... is he?" I asked hesitantly.

"You're from family?" she asked, eyeing me for a moment or two.

"No, I'm his close friend" I said and the nurse nodded.

"I don't know that, you should ask his doctor" she told and stopped. "He's in 395" she informed but I didn't even need to know that because I noticed Dan's mother sitting in front of one of the rooms.

"Thanks" I said and I walked up to the middle-aged woman sat in the chair. Her head was down and she was shaking.

"Hello, Mrs Howell" I said when I was in front of her. She sniffed and quickly wiped her face with a tissue, standing up.

"Hi, Phil" she greeted me and gave me a tight hug. After she let me go, she walked up to the glass window and I saw a fragile small body lying inside the room. I stood up beside and looked at her, what I hoped wasn't staring.

Her eyes were the same shade of brown as Dan's but her hair's was slightly lighter. I glanced through the glass. Dan was lying onto the bed, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

"So, how is he?" I brought up since Mrs Howell didn't seem to be willing to break the silence on her own.

"I talked with his doctor. They... they have confirmed it was rape" she paused, taking a breath and I glanced down.

_So it was true._

"Doctor said he has lots of bruises all over his body and head but fortunately it wasn't a concussion" she told, looking at her son with a worried expression. "They have just sedated him again after he had a panick attack because  _I_ was  _beside him_ " she whispered the last part, glancing away. I didn't know what I should tell her at this point.

"The police said you found him" Mrs Howell spoke up again and I understood she was waiting for me to say something. So I did.

"Yes... He--" I paused, thinking what I was going to tell Dan's mum. What should I tell her? "He told me he would be back in a few minutes and when he didn't show up for a long time, I went to look for him." Mrs Howell stared at her son with both love and concern in her eyes.

She sighed and turned to face me like she was about to interrupt me but I needed to tell her that,

"I didn't think that something could've happened, I had no idea, I-- if I knew, I'd do something, I'd never let him to go there, I'd-" Mrs Howell walked up to me and put her hands on both of my shoulders, looking me in the eyes.

"Take a breath, Philip, okay?" I did as she said but it all was my fault, wasn't it?

"It's not your fault, 'kay? You couldn't do anything then, I'm glad that you went to look for him and that you helped him. You did what you could, Phil" she told, her tone honest.

"And now, I think you should go home, Phlilip. It's been a long day for you and you should get some sleep"

I've just realized how tired I was and that, indeed, it was a very long day for me. But I couldn't leave Dan here. I  _didn't_ want to leave. Not at all.

"But-" I began but Mrs Howell cut me off with a shrug of her hand.

"Go, Philip" she said but saw I wasn't convinced about this. "You need some sleep, Phil. And could you, please, bring few shirts for Dan on your way back?" she added like the topic was over.

I nodded, understanding I had no other option than listen to her. She was right after all. Dan needed me but how would I be able to help him if I was tired? I'd be useless.

Still dazed from everything that has happened in those few hours, I told Mrs Howell a "Goodbye" and that I will come back in the morning.

When I finally got out of the hospital building, the chilling and cooling wind cleared my mind a bit. I stood for a while outside in the cold night before I called a taxi.

The ride home was a blur to me as I was constatly thinking of Dan. I couldn't stop.

I was just too worried and anxious. The driver finally shook me out of my thoughts, informing me we have arrived. I payed him and got out. The cab drove off but I stayed there for a little longer.

_I don't want to go in there_ , I thought as I stood in front of my house.

Our apartment was empty now, without Dan and as I eventually walked in, the feeling only rose in its power. I looked around the house and it felt so different without having him somewhere round here. I sat on the couch in the lounge but got up after a minute as I couldn't stand being in one place, being here, not beside Dan.

I didn't know when he would wake up and how was he doing and it was stressing me only more. I took out my phone and chose Dan's mum number. She answered almost right away,

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Phil. I just called to ask if Dan's awake" there was silence for a few seconds like Mrs Howell checked on him.

"No, he's still sleeping..." another pause, "I'll make sure to call you when he's awake, Phil. Till then, get some sleep, okay?" I heard the caring tone in her voice and I agreed as I really didn't want to add her more worries.

"Okay, I will" I said, already walking down the hall to my room.

"That's great..." she trailed off. "And about earlier, I didn't thank you yet. I'm just a bit overwhelmed by everything, you know. You've appeared just after I talked with his doctor. Sorry for that" I opened my doors and unconsciously shook my head, forgetting for a while she couldn't see me.

"No, no, it's okay, I understand this" I told and just then, my list of things I could say ended. I blamed my tired and overheated brain for this.

"Okay then, Phil. Bye" she hung up.

The call ended and I was stood in the middle of my room. I thought about what exactly happened today, what harm was done to Dan and for a while, I was stuck in between starting crying or wrestling my hair out. I decided that the best I could do now was go to sleep so I threw myself onto my bed and fell into a restless and long sleep.

* * *

 

"Hey, I'm here for Daniel Howell. My name's Phil Lester" I told as I walked up to the front desk at the hospital, rubbing my eyes with one hand. I slept for a few hours but I still felt deadly tired.

I didn't sleep well. Through all the night I would turn from one side to the other, lying on my bed and thinking about Dan.

Mostly Dan.

_Only_ Dan.

The nurse turned few pages on her list, her brow furrowing a bit,

"I'm sorry, only his family can visit" I corrected the duffel bag on my shoulder as I cleared my throat.

"Excuse me?"

_What did she mean? Why? I was here yesterday and they let me in._

The girl fixed her gaze with mine,

"I'm really sorry, Mr Lester-"

"But why?" slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

The girl tensed up a bit then, which was kind of weird and she crossed her arms, giving me a stern look.

"I'm not authorized to give you this information, Mr Lester" That shocked me and I stood there for a second like a complete idiot. But then I felt anger buidling up in me. All I wanted to do was just to meet my friend and make sure he was okay but the people here wouldn't even let me in!

I was just about to think of some reply but then I heard some voice just inches from me,

"Oh, hey, Dorrie. How are you? Got some problem?" A tall woman stood beside me, wearing a long coat and when she moved, a silver badge shone.

_A policewoman._

"No, I guess this man is just leaving" she said, gesturing at me with her hand to leave.

But I couldn't just walk away now. I needed to get to Dan, no matter what.

"Actually, no I'm  _not_ " I said, breaking the silence. The woman stared at me and I immediately felt so small under her glance. What was I even doing? Standing up for myself in front of a policewoman?  _Really, Philip?_

My shoulders shrank and I felt even smaller. The woman, not Dorrie, raised her eyebrows at me,

"Your name is...?"

"Phil. Philip Lester" I told and catched a single glitch of curiosity in her eyes.

"Let me talk to you for a second" she said, suggesting me to sit down on the chairs that stood in front of the reception desk. I nodded and followed as she chose the farest ones from Dorrie.

"So you were the one who found Daniel Howell in that alley?" she asked and I was taken aback by it.

"Who are you anyway?" I asked suspiciously. I wasn't willing to talk about this with any better first passer-by.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you. I'm from FBI. Diane Track" she showed me her badge for a split second. "I'm working on Dan Howell's case"

_What...? Did anything more happened to him?_ I was getting scared.

She must read something from my face as she smiled slightly and spoke,

"We're working on to find out who attacked Mr Howell"

_'_ _**Attacked** _ _ ' wasn't the right word _ , I thought, but I sighed, relieved that Dan was okay. Well, as okay as he could be.

"And bring them to justice" the officer continued on, "So, can I ask you a few questions?" I nodded and the woman brought up a notebook and a pen into her hands.

"How did you find him?" she questioned so I told the same thing as I did earlier to the officer with a constant pen-clicking habit. "Are you two related in some way?"

"No, he's my flatmate. We're friends for 5 years"

"It's a long time. You know each other well then. Did Mr Howell tell you where he was heading that evening?" I twisted my head a little, trying to recall the previous night.

"He said he was going out to think a bit. But I'm sure he went to a coffee bar not so far from our house"

"Can you give me the address?" I told her and she nodded while writing.

"Can I see him after we finish?" I asked, using my chance to visit Dan. "I know only his family can but-"

"We have already finished and, yes, you can. I think you're out of range of suspects" My eyes widened.

"Wh-what?" She wrote something down and handed me the paper.

"Just give it to the guard police officer before you enter"

_'Guard police officer'? What was going on?_

But as I was about to ask, her phone started ringing and she excused herself, standing up.

She listened to the voice on the other side closely, her eyes narrowing at the end,

"Okay, got it" she quickly put her moblie back into her pocket as she said,

"I'm sorry but I've got to go. Can I have your phone number so we can call you if we need more informations?"

"Y-yes, of course" I recited it and she wrote it down. She looked quite excited and... was that a glint of happiness in her eye?

Before I could think more about it, she quickly left, walking out through the front doors. I stood there for a while, feeling dubiously. But then I shook myself out of it, reminding myself that I could visit Dan now.

I turned on my heel, moving toward the lifts.

When I reached his level, the door opened before me and I quickly made my way toward Dan's room. A pair of police officers were standing on the both sides of his door and it turned on a bulb in my head.

_ What are they doing here?,  _ I wondered but then I spotted Mrs Howell pacing between the chairs and Dan's room, looking lightly disiturbed.

"Ms Howell?" I called out when I was nearer.

"Oh, Philip, it's you" she said and I handed her my bag but she shook her head. "Thank you but you can give it to him by yourself. I wasn't sure if you were coming back" she added. I thought at first if I had misheard her or something. Did she mean that Dan was awake?

"I wouldn't leave Dan, Ms" I assured her and she smiled.

"Yeah, I almost forgot about this. You're just like twins, doing everything together" I smiled at that.

"Is Dan awake?" I asked and her head snapped up in the direction of the door.

"Yes, he is since an hour. He's not very talkative, you know" her smile dropped from her face and I saw how exhausted she looked. Fighting back a yawn, she continued,

"But I'm sure he will be happy to see you..." she trailed off. "Anyway, I'm off to the hotel I'm staying at now. I'm exhausted" she told and walked away, swaying a little. I didn't move until she reached the lift and I was sure she didn't fall on the way there.

When Dan's mother stepped into the lift, I took a deep breath before I walked up to the one of the officers and said,

"Officer Track gave me this. Told I can see Dan"

The man grabbed the paper I held in my hand, looking at it for a minute before he said,

"Go, kid"

I felt a little childlish by the name but that didn't matter now. I needed to get to Dan, not get into arguments with another police officer.

I thanked him politely and walked to the doors, noticing that blinds have been pulled down now so you couldn't see everything through the window from the corridor. But I still could make out Dan's form on the bed.

I put my hand over the handle and slowly opened the door. Walking in, I felt a pair of brown eyes immediately starting to watch my every step just as I crossed the doors. I closed behind myself and turned to Dan who was sitting on the bed, clutching himself but at least not as desperately as earlier.

"Hey" I waved a little but Dan flinched so I put my hand back down slowly. I searched his face for any trace of fear but he just seemed... alert.

"Hi" he said shyly and quietly. But it was enough for me to smile widely.

"I brought some of your stuff and t-shirts" I said as I placed the bag on the floor, making sure I didn't do it quickly, to not scare Dan. I knew he watched me and I could almost tell that if I did something without telling him first about it, he would freak out.

This time, he didn't reply, instead just watched me. I glanced at the chair that was far from the bed and I guessed that it was a safe distance for both me and Dan. I sat down and checked if Dan didn't mind it. I guess he didn't.

I stole a glance at him. His head was wrapped up in a bandage, his face was covered in lots of scratches. He looked tired and I bet he was. I could see it in his eyes. His usual smile was gone and the sparkle in his eyes was lost. Dan definitely didn't remind the old Dan.

A pair of chocolate eyes didn't stop tracing me. I looked up and when I met his eyes, I felt so sudden urge to hug him that I needed to look away. There was so much sadness and kind of a sensation that you could tell he was lost that my whole body ached because I couldn't comfort him. But what broke my heart the most was that his eyes mostly looked empty.

"I'm so sorry, Dan. I should have gone after you earlier. You shouldn't go through something like this" I whispered, watching him tight himself more for a second. After a while he let go a bit.

Staring at me with his eyes slowly watering up, he murmured,

"I doubt you could have saved me even then"

"But God dammit, I should have looked for you after those fucking ten minutes!" I yelled and Dan wrapped himself more.

I understood what I've done and I felt so stupid for my sudden outburst. I fell on the chair slowly, realizing in the first place that I've stood up.

"Oh my God, Dan. I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to scare you..." I wanted to hit myself in that moment.

I saw a lonely tear fall down his face and I stood up slowly but surely,

"I'll be better going, I don't want to hurt you more" I told, walking up to the door. Just as I was about to touch the handle, Dan cried out,

"Phil!" I turned around and my mouth opened in shock.

I saw Dan, he was standing up from his bed, limping to get closer to me. His face was wet with tears as he incapably walked up to me, stopping only one metre from me,

"Please, don't go, Phil" he whispered, staring into my eyes. I could see how he desperately wanted me to actually  _ stay _ . "Don't leave me, please" and with that, he fell into my arms, wrapping his arms tightly around me, quietly sobbing.

"I'm not going to, Dan" I said softly, almost choking the words out as I was both surprised and a litte crashed from the strength of the hug. "Can I hug you back?" I asked, feeling I needed to make sure he was here. Safe, in my arms. But I also needed his permission.

Surprisingly, Dan nodded against my arm, mumbling,

"Just don't touch my skin, please?" he almost begged.

I nodded but my heart stung at the tone in his voice,

"Of course, Dan. I won't" I assured him like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I slowly hugged him, paying attention to only touch him through his thin hospital shirt.

We stayed like this for a long time, I don't know for how long exactly. But when we separated from ourselves, it was because Dan told he needed to sit down so I let him do so. I watched as he limped back to his bed and I slowly sat on the chair next to him. I smiled at him but he couldn't smile back. All he was able to do was make a smile of a broken and hurt boy. He looked so sad and I wanted to hug him again but I knew for sure that this would be too much for him right now.

So I just sat there, watching him, enjoying the pleasant silence between us and the fact that  _ he wanted me to be here. _ When a sudden knock to the door stopped any kind of our little privacy and a doctor came in. Dan placed his eyes right away on him and the man in a white uniform walked up to us,

"Good morning, Dan. I wanted to make some tests today" he smiled lightly at him and his head turned into my direction, "And you are?..."

"I'm Phil, his bestfriend" I explained.

"Oh" left his mouth and he glanced between me and Dan for a while. "I'm not sure if you can be here in the time I examine Mr Howell" he said and I nodded.

"Yeah, of course. I'll go then" I said, standing up and walking out of the room. A faint voice croaked out then,

"Are you leaving?" I turned around to Dan on whose face I could read fear.

"And do you want me to?" he shook his head energitically and I smiled,

"Then I'll just go wait outside" As I was leaving the room, I noticed the shocked look doctor had on his face. I wondered if it was only me that Dan spoke to or acted this way around.

When I closed the doors, the blinds that were half lidded were now fully closed. I sat in the black chair and waited.

One minute, two. Five. Quarter.

But then I noticed someone walking down the corridor and after a moment, I recognized who it was. I stood up when the familiar FBI's officer got closer.

"Officer... Track? Can you explain me something?" I asked as she peeked an eye at Dan's room. She glanced at me as I walked up to her so we were face to face.

"You're not with Mr Howell?" she asked and I shook my head.

"No, he's being examined right now. So, what's that all with the security guards?" I questioned her and she rubbed the back of her neck with her right hand as she avoided an eye contact.

She cleared her throat before speaking,

"The attacker hadn't been found yet, we don't even have his description because we weren't able to talk with Mr Howell yet" I stared at her with my mouth opened.

I hadn't thought about it at all, I didn't even know why. Maybe because I was too focused on Dan's mental state.

"So... does that mean that Dan's in danger now?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

Officer Track freezed for a while but then she pulled on a straight face as the door opened and the doctor came out of the room.

"We're not sure, we just want to prevent from anything bad happening to Mr Howell while he's recovering" she said and turned around to the doc. The man took a look at her badge and they fell into a quiet discussion, standing few steps away from me.

I sighed as I thought about how insecure Track looked like when she answered. Running my hand through my hair I walked to the door, stopping just right before it to form a giant and, what I hoped was, a genuine smile.

I didn't want Dan to suspect anything. I didn't want him to be more scared than he already was. I didn't know how he would react if I told him that his rapist could be somewhere nearby. But I was sure as hell that it wouldn't be a smart move to tell him about it.

"Hey, Dan. How are you doing?" I asked as I crossed the wooden frame, a smile tugging at my lips, this time a fake one.

But I was doing this to protect him... Right?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it good? Idk, but I feel like what I'm going to do with the story will take me some time but the ideas I have in my head seem great to me so maybe you'll also like them?  
> Haha, I really don't know ;)  
> Hope you enjoyed and I'll see you next time I update something!  
> Bye and have a good time! :)


	4. I'll be your guardian angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for officer Track to step in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's AreYouHaight and LovesReading here and since it's been 3 weeks since I updated and I don't want let you down, here is next chapter! I hope you'll like it :)  
> Thanks for kudos and comments to extreme_fangirl, SherlockIsaGirlsName2898, QueenOfTheDamned, OohYayChicken,  
> Stolen_Star and all the quests! They really encourage me to keep going ;)  
> And now, I won't disturb you anymore, enjoy the reading!
> 
> WARNINGS: panick attack, some depictions of past rape
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dan nor Phil. This story is a work of fiction.

I wiped away the tears as I heard the door creak and a very smiling Phil showed up in the entrance ,

"Hey Dan! How are you doing?" he was almost chirping and I felt more tears forming in my eyes.

I wasn't sure what I could tell him but I knew I couldn't tell the truth. That I felt awful and disgusted with my own self. That I couldn't stop thinking about the previous night. I didn't want to talk about anything after all. The only thing, the only wish I had was that I never existed.

Phil took a seat by the time I noticed and he leant  to ward me, his expression once turning to seriou s,

"Hey, everything is going to be okay now, Dan" he assured me but I couldn't bring myself to fight with him about this as there was another question tugging at the corners of my lips ,

"Why..." I took a deep breath when my voice shook, "why do you care about me?" I really couldn't see a reason . I didn't deserve anyone's attention.

"You're my bestfriend and I wanna help you" he whispered, his face indicating that the question offended him a little.

"But why?" I was able to choke out as a few  silent  tears fell down my face.

_So pathetic_ _,_ voice at the back of my mind said .  _H_ _is_ voice.

"I am a pathetic little shit that couldn't even protect itself, I a m a horrible person, I'm disgusting, Phil!" I screamed a little at the end, flailing my hands around myself.

As I did so, I immediately felt him wrap his hands around me  but I didn't feel comforted by his hug. Instead, it felt as if I was suffocat ing in his grip, the memories all too fresh in  my mind. But I wasn't even sure if they would ever get old.

After a next second I was hyperventilating and Phil was right beside me, saying some soothing words and apologizing for himself.

But  I wasn't mad at him. After all, he wasn't the one who freaked out if somebody touched him. It wasn't his fault.

"Not your fault " I uttered as I tried to calm down my breathing.

I did not know how he could be talking to  _me_ . He should be disgusted, shouldn't even want to hug me but he did and that was confusing me.

"Dan, listen to me, okay?" I didn't even nod. "You're not an awful, disgusting person. You are an amazing, good, loving human" I shyly looked up at Phil and accidentally made an eye contact with him. He was staring me directly in the eyes and I lowered my head right away.

I did not believe him. It all sounded nice and like it was put straight out of some love story where a happy endings were a regular thing. But this was _not_ a story. This was a real life and in real life, things like this didn't happen. And if they did, they were not meant honestly.

It wasn't that Phil was  _lying._ He was just simply wrong because he didn't know the truth. He  _couldn't_ know the truth.

"Phil..." I spoke up, planning to explain him how  _wrong_ he was but in the same moment, the door opened. I tensed, dreading anyone who was it. For a moment, no one came in but then, a doctor appeared in the doorframe and a woman followed after him.

I knitted my brows. She couldn't be a nurse, nurses don't wear long coats, do they?

_So_ _ who _ _ is it? _

I glanced at Phil for a while, he was also looking at the newcomers but his face indicated that he knew the mysterious woman already. I did not like it.  _ Why he didn't say anything to me? _

It was hard to confess but I felt betrayed and a little left out.

"Hey, Dan. It's Mr Track" my doctor spoke as the first one, his tone friendly. "She's working for the police and came here to talk to you for a bit. Are you feeling up for it?" he asked, studying my face closely.

I glanced between him and the woman. She smiled a bit, probably to encourage me. I looked at Phil but he wasn't smiling, his expression was impossible to read. I had no idea what he was upset at but the only idea I had was that it was because of  _ me _ .

"Y-yeah, I'll... try..." I said quietly, my throat still sore from the intruser.

The doctor left the room after a while and the woman spoke up,

"Good morning, Mr Howell. I'm Diane Track, FBI" she said, taking out her badge and shining it into my eyes from a safe distance. I didn't say anything but a thousands of questions were running through my head in that moment.

_Why is she here?_

_Had they found his body?_

_Did I kill him?_

The last one was already making me feel sick.

"I would like to ask you a few questions" she announced, taking a seat on a chair Phil was previously sitting on. "Do you want Mr Lester to leave?"

As fast as the question was brought up, I thought about it.

I really didn't want Phil to leave me with her and also, if I was most probably forced to tell right now what happened yesterday, I surely didn't want to do it twice. Maybe it would be better if Phil found out this way about how much worthless I was?

"N-no, let him stay, please"

The woman nodded,

"As you wish" she told, taking out a small notepad. "So, we've determined that you were a victim of crime, Mr Howell" she began and I glanced down, my hand slowly wandered into the direction where Phil's was laying but I didn't dare to touch him.

"Before we start, I warn you that some of the questions I'm going to ask you can make you feel very uncomfortable but it's really important that you tell us everything you remember, okay? Every detail is significant to us so, please, try to remember as much as you can" she glanced for a while at Phil pointedly, "Are you sure you don't mind the company of Mr Lester?"

"Yes" I told, this time more firmly, I was sure I wanted him here. He  _ needed _ to hear this.

"Your doctor told me that the injuries you got from the occurence signify that this was specifically a rape" she went silent here and I squeezed my eyes shut, secretively wishing to never hear it from her.

She couldn't just go so straight with it, why did she just declared it like that? Throwing it at my face like I wasn't aware of this.

Because in fact, I wasn't. Somewhere deep in my mind I was living my own dreams, thoughts and facts. I was creating my own little world, far away from the real one. It was safe. And the reality was dangerous. It consisted too many hurtful memories, emotions. I wasn't safe there.

"I need you to tell me what happened during the previous night, Mr Howell" she said softly, the question hanging heavily in the air. My throat tightened a bit and I felt scared.

_What if he can get me here?_

_ But he's not around here, you probably  _ _ **killed** _ _ him,  _ my mind told me.

A giant guilt fell on my shoulders as I realized that I was happy about someone's else's death. I suddenly squeezed Phil's hand so tightly that I was sure he would have broken bones after I let it go.

My mouth felt dry when I started talking but swallowing did nothing than hurting my throat more,

"I was on my way back home from a cafe when those--" I took a deep breath in and out, "when I heard some footsteps. I thought it was only my imagination but then, someone started chasing me..." I paused, trying to sort out my hazy memories a bit and taking a deep breath. Phil gave me a small reassuring squeeze and I continued after a while, "I tried running but he was fast and then I tripped and hit that wall. He was beside me before I got the chance to do anything. He--" I let go of Phil's hand and wrapped my arms around me, trying to recall it but at the same time,  _ not think _ about that night and what happened then.

"He laughed and I don't know why. I thought he wanted to rob me, I didn't know--" a tear rolled down my cheek. "I tried to get out of his grip but he was too strong for me!" I hugged myself tighter as I rocked back and forth. "He shut my mouth with a tape when I started screaming, I begged him to leave me, I told him I didn't want this but he didn't listen!" I swallowed nervously as the memories flooded me. "He cornered me in that alley, there was no one there, I couldn't get out" I trembled. Someone touched my hand and I backed away, almost falling off the bed, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed.

But it wasn't  _ him. _ It was Phil. Phil, whose eyes were now more wide than ever, Phil who had got a trail of tears running down his face, who instantly backed away to give me some space.

"Sorry..." I mumbled, slowly realizing where I actually was, that I was no longer trapped in that alley, that I was in a hospital. I took few breaths in and out.

"Can you continue your story, Mr Howell, or do you need some time for yourself?" the officer asked me but I shook my head at her. I just wanted to have it all behind myself. I didn't want to repeat everything again.

"He--" I swallowed nervously. After I'd tell it, Phil would no longer like me. He will be surely disgusted by me but... that's what he finally should find out about, right?

"He turned me on my stomach and I still tried to fight him but he was so strong... That was when..." I paused, looking down, I felt tears in my eyes and on my face. This was so hard for me. No matter what Phil should know, I couldn't bring myself to actually tell them about what  _ he _ had done to me.

"Did he commit some kind of crime on you, Mr Howell?" the officer gave me a question which I was dreading to hear from the very beginning of this talk. I looked up, this time keeping the eye contact, feeling like I needed to see the disgust on both of their faces, needed to make sure of how worthless I was.

My words were burning my tongue, as I spoke out loud what I was constantly thinking of since it happened,

"He  _ raped _ me, okay?!" I screamed, the woman was keeping a straight face on, because it was her job and she couldn't show her disgust I guess. But Phil... Phil was silently crying and I was confused even more.  _ He should be disgusted, he shouldn't be crying. _

I hugged myself, just trying to feel safer but it felt like it was  _ those _ arms.

_You won't never run away from me! I'll find you everywhere!_

His words were echoing in my mind as I could see it all in front of my eyes again. I remembered well, all to fucking well how he looked like, how he  _ felt  _ like, how his voice sounded like. And I wish I didn't, I wish he had killed me then. I'd be actually glad to be dead at this point. I wouldn't need to remember his touch then, his hands on my arms and thighs as he was just going to--

"Dan! Please say something!" I heard someone call and I snapped out of my daze. I felt something wet dripping down my face and I saw Phil. He was standing in front of me, his expression worried and brows knitted in concern and that was when I remembered how  _ he  _ stood in front of me after he finished. How  _ he  _ leant down, whispering into my ear, _ "I'll watch you bleed out slowly in front of me" _

_"Dan, please, just... something... to me... worried"_

Something flashed before my eyes and I registered it being a hand. I quickly tried to jump away. And I screamed someone to help me. I started screaming so wildly. I didn't want to do this again, I didn't want to do it again!

The sounds were all mixing with themselves and I felt like I was on a carousel and I felt sick and-- and then, I felt only a distant pinch to my arm.

And suddenly, I didn't feel his hands on me, I didn't even feel scared though I was almost sure he was somewhere here. The sounds were muffled and after a while they faded out. The swirling images in my mind stopped and the only thing I saw was something white above me.

I felt surprisingly calm and my mind was a little hazy but I liked it. It was like every concern I had, was muted out and gone. I liked that feeling.

* * *

My face was all wet with tears as Dan was talking about that night. It hurt how much he looked scared and avoided any eye contact, how he was wrapping his arms around himself tighter and tighter, just like when I found him.

I wanted to hug him but the officer Track shot me a glance right away. I know it was her job, she needed to get Dan's statement the fastest but didn't she see how much uncomfortable he was? Oh, I guess she did but it was only her job, yeah? She probably didn't care for Dan as much as I did.

When Dan confessed to rape, I nearly sighed from relief because it could only mean that this was over, that Dan could have peace. But the officer still didn't seem contented with what she heard, she kept asking next questions. I noticed then that something was not right with Dan.

He started swaying constantly and though it looked as though his gaze was connected with the officer, I bet he didn't see her at all.

"Mr Howell, can you describe your attacker?" Track politely asked, shuffling on her place a bit as Dan's firm stare must put her off her stroke.

I watched him for a while till I was completely sure something wasn't right.

"Can't you see something's wrong?" I asked the woman, accusation easily evident in my voice as I quickly crossed the space between me and Dan. I bent down to be on the same level with him and I kept repeating, hoping he would snap out of anything it was,

"Dan! Please say something!"

After a hundredth or so try, Dan moved his gaze toward me. I catched a glint of recognition in his teary eyes for a second. But then, his face turned into scared and I almost looked behind myself because it felt like he saw someone standing there. I moved a bit, trying to maybe get him to notice me here at all. Whatever it was, he needed to snap out of it.

"Dan? Dan, please, say something to me, I'm worried. Dan?" I asked gently, slowly lifting up my hand to pat him on the shoulder.

And I didn't even touch him at all, my hand stopped in mid-track in the moment Dan jumped up on the bed, screaming loudly in my direction, his words cutting my heart like little daggers,

"STOP! Stop! Help me! HELP! I don't want to do this! Not again, please!"

He started tossing all around the bed but when I stood up to calm him down somehow, his cries only increased. He moved as far on the bed as it let him and I tried once again to settle him down on my own. However, every thing I did made Dan to panick only more.

I glanced at the officer; the woman was staring at Dan, her mouth wide-opened, the sight of her obviously meaning she hadn't had to deal with this kind of stuff yet. I looked at Dan again, at a screaming and wildly jumping Dan on the bed. He was nearing more and more the edge of the bed while his whole body was trembling from fear and screams were constantly leaving his mouth.

I feared he would hurt himself so I quickly crossed the space between us and grabbed him by his arms. As soon as I did it, I knew it was only a big mistake because he started wriggling more vigorously.

"Get someone here, Track!" I screamed at the officer, forgetting a bit who I was just talking to. But I didn't really care right now. All I cared about was Dan.

The woman stood on her place for a second until she stormed out of the room. I heard a loud,

"Doctor! Help, we need some help over here!"

I turned to Dan who was on a verge of hyperventilation,

"Please, let me go now, PLEASE!" Dan was screaming and I would surely release my grip off him if not the situation.

Suddenly, a pair of nurses ran in, Track following right behind them. One of them stared at me for a while before she said,

"Try to hold him still, okay?" I only nodded, and watched as they both scattered around the room. One of them quickly walked to the door and I saw Track standing there, seriosuly both frozen in shock and panick before the door was closed, cutting off the officer from any view.

Being a bit too focused at watching them, Dan managed to get out of my grip. He started tossing around the bed, smashing the lamp with his hand on the nightstand. I jumped to him to get a hold of him again but this time he was too fast to me.

The nurse got to me and we both attempted to pin Dan down by his hands to the bed. Another nurse quickly stepped to us, a needle was in her hand and I closed my eyes for a moment as I already knew what this meant.

"We'll need to stabilize him very well for a while when Lizzie gives him an injection, okay?" the second nurse asked me and I nodded, pressing Dan's arms a bit harder to the bed. He was all wriggling underneath our hold and seemed to be in his own world but he was still screaming and his face was all red from crying,

"Please, let me go! Don't hurt me!" My eyes started welling up with tears when on sign of the nurse, I needed to get a strong hold of Dan, trying to keep him steady. It was difficult to keep myself together at his ragged breath and words,

"Let me go" he whimpered.

The nurse and I got him to stop from wriggling for a moment and she nodded at Lizzie who got closer. Just before she put the needle into Dan's arm, he whispered,

"Just kill me, please" my eyes widened and I looked at Lizzie but she was too occupied giving my friend a syringe shot to notice what Dan had just said.

Dan resisted for a while before the substance spread over his system and his limbs, legs, he himself went limp second time in last two days. Or maybe it was third time or even more? I didn't know.

We slowly put him back onto the bed so he wouldn't fall down. I sat on the chair beside my friend, my breath uneven. All I wanted to do now was to start crying. Dan looked so scared, it broke my heart.

"What just happened?" I quietly muttered under my breath more to myself than to anyone but one of the nurses heard me.

"Mr Howell most probably was experiencing the rape again, Mr Lester"

I looked up at her as earlier, my head was bowed. I knew what she meant but my mind couldn't wrap around it and understand it completely.

"You know what a PTSD is, Mr Lester?" I shook my head, having no idea what she was asking me about. Lizzie bent down to clean up the mess that was left after Dan broke the lamp and the nurse I was talking with, took a chair from the corner and sat next to me.

"When people experience or witness something very shocking, violent, some teriffying event such as a car accident, a plane crash, a natural disaster or..." she made a small pause, looking me in the eyes for a moment "a rape, they can have PTSD. PTSD is a Post Thraumatic Disorder and it's a human reaction to an abnormal situation. In Mr Howell's case it is experiencing the violence happening to him again"

I was silent for a moment, trying to take it in and understand.

"Will he ever be like this?" I finally ask, glancing at the nurse then at Dan as Lizzie was correcting the pillows under his head. When she finished, the nurse beside me must throw her a glance because Lizzie nodded and quietly left the room.

"There are various treatments, therapies and ways that can lead to recovery though it's a very slow proccess and depends on the person. However I need to remind you of that Mr Howell will never be the same as before the occurrence. This event had some impact on Mr Howell, how big we don't know but it will change him for sure"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath because I didn't want to cry. But how could I stop the tears when the only thing I hoped for; for Dan to get better, seemed impossible?

I felt a pat on my shoulder and I almost jumped up. The nurse gave me a squeeze as she handed me a tissue. I protested for a second but I couldn't find any way not to cry so I obliged and accepted her little help.

"It will be okay, Mr Lester. Your friend just needs time and care" she said softly before I heard the chair screech a bit on the floor as it was taken to its previous place. I nodded and took a little breaths in and out.

Slowly and gently, I took Dan's hand in mine only because I was sure it wouldn't scare him as he couldn't feel anything right now. He was completely unaware that I was beside him now and that made me feel sad. I wanted him to know I was there for him. That he wasn't going to go through this alone. That he had me.

"But the best treatment will do nothing if he won't have anyone supporting him" I almost gasped when I heard the nurse talking again because I thought she left the room long time ago. I wiped away my face with my hand as I glanced at her, she was standing in the half opened door, her body visible in the bright light coming from the hall as the room was now a bit dark because of the broken lamp.

"But I see that Mr Howell already has his tellurian guardian angel by his side" she said, grinning at me before she left.

For a while I kept staring at the spot where she's been standing at, my mouth opened before I turned myself to Dan. Almost lifelessly looking Dan if not for his steadily raising and falling chest.

My lips formed a little and shy smile as I thought about her words.

I squeezed Dan's hand, this time a bit stronger but still being careful to use as little power as it was possible. I leant over his fragile looking body, all covered in bruises and I placed a small kiss on top of his head.

"I will help you, Dan" I whispered as I ruffled his hair a bit, smiling as I did so. He would probably kill me for this if everything was fine.  _ **If** _ _ it was fine. _

"I won't leave you. I'll be your guardian angel and I'll make sure you're safe" I cooed, creating little circles on his hand. "You won't be alone. We'll get through this together. You'll be fine, Dan. You'll be fine" I promised as a few tears fell down my face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I hope you liked it, leave me a comment 'cause those always make people smile :)  
> If you have Tumblr and you wanna stalk me, you can do it, lol. My Tumblr is superasia8  
> Have a nice day and weekend and life!  
> ps. but before I get off, I just want to say I'm not sure when I'll post next time anything as I've got school to take care of before my winter break is over. But I'll try to get to work on my stories asap ;)


	5. Even angels cry sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one is able to hold many emotions in themselves on their own and handle it well.  
> Even not an angel that is Phil Lester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS! It's been ages since last update but it's finally here so let's celebrate! Yay! ^^  
> Thanks for comments to SherlockIsaGirlsName2898, extreme_fangirl and kudos to EffervescentGrace, ThatOneFangirl5, demonsnight, ofjeanboss, phanese, phanese, forgetxmexnot, imaginedraquns, fawndust, haleyhi725 and all the guests!  
> Check the notes at the end too, I have some announcement to pass on to you! ^^  
> Enjoy reading!
> 
> WARNINGS: mentions of rape
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dan or Phil! They're their own human beings and they're amazing but this story is work of fiction.

"Hi, Louise? It's... it's Phil. I... I was wondering if you could come to our's place tomorrow maybe...? What? Ugh, yeah, something happened and I need your advice right now. Nooo.... I'd prefer to tell you face to face, it's just..." I paused a little, taking a deep breath. "It's just something I need to explain to you and..." I thanked God for Louise as she felt when a perfect moment came for her to cut me in. It would be really hard for me to continue right now. I listened to her as she assured me she'll come visit us tomorrow and that everything will be alright.

I didn't know how I managed to end the call without breaking in tears, somehow I just did. It felt all too surreal. Hearing her voice as she had no idea about what was actually going on. Me being one of the few who knew about the horrible accident was overwhelming me, to say the least.

I hid my face in my hands as I plopped onto the seat in front of Dan's room. It was now late past visitting hours. At some point, I needed to let go of Dan's hand as nurses who were checking up on him started swearing at me under their breaths. If not the situation, I would definitely find that funny but reality was different and I didn't laugh at them at all. I just quietly apologized as I gave Dan last gentle kiss on the forehead, whispering into his ear that I'll come back before I left his room.

"Hey, sorry for earlier. Here, drink it" a female voice cut me out of my thoughts and I looked up to find indeed, no one else but officer Track standing in front of me. She handed me a brown cup of something hot inside and I shook my head at her politely,

"No, thanks. I've had too many coffees today already" I said but the woman only smiled what was a first warm and genuine smile I had seen on her face till I met her.

"It's just a hot tea. I thought you would like some" I smiled back as I thanked her and sipped on it a little. She took a seat beside me, drinking her own and I turned to face her,

"What are you doing here after all? Isn't it like, after your working hours or something?" I questioned, knowing not much about how all the cop's work worked.

"Yes, it is..." she answered, trailing off as she stared into space, drifting off for a second. "I want to apologize, Mr Lester"

"It's just Phil, really" I said authomatically, hating someone adressing me by my whole name. It just felt... too formal for me.

"So unprofessional of me" she mumbled while she took my hand in her, shaking it lightly, "Diane" I smiled at her and in this moment, I realized I've seen her most humane side. Like, she was a human but now, I could see that she was as normal as everyone else was.

"I'm sorry for how I acted earlier while I was interrogating Mr Howell-"

"It's Dan, trust me" slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. But my brain wasn't in its highest point right now. I've been on my feet for almost now twenty four hours straight as I almost didn't sleep on the night after the accident happened.

"Okay," she said, smiling lightly and her dimples showed, which I now only noticed. But my opinion was that still, her dimples were nothing similar to Dan's.

"I shouldn't have pressured him so much, I'm truly sorry for that" Diane spoke after a second. "I had no idea that it would... have such a big impact on him" she paused, taking a deep breath and looking me in the eyes. "I didn't suspect he would... have those flashbacks. And then, when he did, I panicked!" she raised her voice a little and the nurse walking by shot us a glare.

When she continued, her voice returned to normal, almost a whisper,

"It just... It reminded me of my sister, okay? And I shouldn't be doing this right now, Phil, talking with the suspects" my eyes widened at the description, "even no longer suspects" she corrected herself, "but past suspects isn't allowed, okay? But I just needed to let you know that normally, I wouldn't have reacted this way, okay?" she finished, watching me with both guilt and need to be forgiven in her eyes.

I just nodded, glancing down for a moment. I took a small sip before I gathered up enough courage to ask what's been on my mind since the time I heard about it,

"Your sister...? When did it happen?"

The officer closed her eyes as she took a big, slow breath in and out. Her hands trembled a little as she picked up on a piece of her jumper,

"It was almost a year ago" she told so quietly that I nearly heard her. For a while, I stayed silent but as the miliseconds went by, I realized there were more and more questions coming into my head all at once. But the most important for me right now was,

"How did she recover from it?" I almost blurted out, speaking so quickly like I thought the answer would come faster then.

"She didn't" Diane answered and I stared at her, realizing her eyes filled with water. I was going to give her a hug or ask what happened, why she didn't recover but she quickly broke in before I had any chance to speak. "She was killed" she swallowed hard and so did I.

"Just after the bastard raped her, he murdered her with cold blood" she told, her words filled with venom toward the person. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to comfort that nearly stranger woman, give her some sweet words, even though they would probably make no sense. But as I thought about it, it clicked in my mind. And I didn't honestly want to ask this question but at the same time, I just felt like I needed to know if my assumptions were right.

And so I asked,

"Did... did the murderer of your sister is the same person who- who hurt Dan?" I watched her as she silently nodded her head at me, making my stomach turn and I felt sick.

"He- it's very possible" she said, and after a while she added, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have told you about that!" she looked at me and I only said in response, feeling like my own words were thousands miles away from me in that moment,

"That's fine, I think I would find out sooner or later, I guess"

"No, but I shouldn't tell you that, please, don't share this information with anyone else, just not yet, okay?" she begged, her eyes pleading. "I really am not allowed to talk with you and if someone finds out I shared this information with you, I can even lose my job!" she told, her voice growing more anxious with every next word she spoke.

"Shhh... don't worry, Diane, okay? I won't tell anyone" I promised as I attempted to calm her down. But my mind was still running and though it was slowly shutting down from exhaustion and thinking was harder with every next second, I only wished that my last thought wasn't true after all.

That Dan's rapist wasn't a serial killer.

* * *

When I woke up the next day, it was almost two in the afternoon. I almost cursed as Louise could knock on our door in literally every minute. I quickly got up from my bed, running to take a shower which didn't really help that much to my scattered thoughts. I took a glance at myself in the mirror and I noticed there was a light stubble growing on my chin. I should probably shave it but just in the minute I was about to do it, I heard our bell ringing.

"Just a minute!" I yelled as I picked up in hurry some random clothes, accidentally putting on myself Dan's blouse that had somehow happened to be here. I didn't replace it though. I made my way toward the front door, breathing in Dan's delicate scent, wishing for him to be here with me. I opened the door and was welcomed with a big hug and a mass of pink and blonde hair blocked my vision from seeing anything else,

"Louise!" I greeted her, giving back the hug. My friend finally let me go and as I stepped back to let her in, she looked at me, saying,

"Phil Lester! You look like a mess!" while grinning at me like a Cheshire cat.

"Ugh, yeah, I do" I stumbled over my words as I led her over to the empty lounge, with no Dan here and I wanted to start crying right away as I recalled how he had been seducted the day earlier and was laying in the hospital.

Louise peered into the lounge and asked jokingly but seriousness could be also heard in her voice,

"No Dan in his browsing position?" I just smiled at her, wishing that it looked genuinely as I walked into the kitchen.

"Tea or coffee?"

"Tea, please!" she shouted back while probably making herself comfortable on the sofa.

I quickly put two teabags into mugs. Just as I was waiting for the kettle to finally boil the water, I noticed Hello Kitty mug laying in the sink. A few silent tears ran down my face as I remembered the video we did together. I asked Dan in it which mug he preffered and he said, are you kidding, Phil? Are you actually kidding me?

Those times seemed so old right now. Nearly like we were different people back then, when life was easy and happy, with only some of Dan's existential crisises coming into the way.

Only, as everything seemed better than what was going on now.

"OKAY, PHILIP LESTER" I nearly jumped on my place as Louise spoke up, standing in the doorframe, her brows furrowed, face showing real concern. "Now you will tell me why are you gonna start crying in a minute over a Hello Kitty mug or I will smash it on your nose!" she said and I let out a laugh, realizing I didn't actually remember at all when was the last time I laughed.

The light on the kettle flickered off and I poured the water into our mugs. I handed Louise one and we silently moved to the lounge. I sat down on the sofa, pulling up my knees to my chin as I gripped tightly onto my pokemon mug, relishing in its warmth. Louise took a sip of her tea before she gave me a glance which was supposed to get me to talking. She finally broke the silence, after not getting much information from me with her glaring,

"So, what's wrong, Phil?" she asked softly, warming up her hands with the cup. "And where's Dan?" she questioned, looking around as though she could find him.

"He's- umm... it's really hard to explain" I began, looking down at my hands, curling up a bit more into the sofa.

"That's fine, Phil" she replied, smiling at me, "Take as much time as you need, okay?" at that I took a long, deep breath in and out, trying to stay cool, not to show how worried and sad and everything I was. My voice trembled though, when I started speaking,

"It's just... it's so fucking hard to talk about" I choked out, leaving the cup on the coffee table, bringing my head into my hands.

I needed to tell someone about this. Everything was too much right now, my knowledge was overwhelming me. It was nearly like I knew how the world and human were created and this information was too much for only me to handle.

Suddenly, I felt Louise wrapping her hands around me. At first, I only started sobbing but then it turned into proper crying and I just couldn't stop. Dan's frightened face from his flashbacks was constantly in front of my eyes. I couldn't get out of my head the happenings that took place only two days ago. Everything felt like too much. I didn't feel strong enough to take care of Dan and help him, as much as I wanted, because in this exact moment I myself was torn in pieces. It was like someone had ripped a page in half and then yet stomped on it, only to add it even more damage and hurt.

"Dan..." I finally spoke when I wasn't crying that much.

"Have you two had a fight or something?" she asked, making little circles on my back and I just cried out pathetically into her shoulder.

"No, that's not this, I wish it was only this" I mumbled out, sniffing. I saw Louise's confused but also worried look as I glanced at her. "It's more complicated than that, to be honest" I told but somehow I couldn't find any words on how to finally tell her, how to find enough courage and not to be a stupid jerk who was trying to act as though nothing so bad happened.

"He- he's been raped" I stated at last.

For whole five minutes, there was a complete silence between me and Louise. She then took a deep breath as she was probably trying to proceed and understand what I had just told her about. She squeezed me tightly before she whispered,

"R-raped?" her voice was shaking as if the word couldn't get out of her throat. I only nodded, almost sure that if I spoke, I would break down absolutely. Louise let go of me. She looked me in the eyes, her own were red and puffy and I realized she had been crying the whole time. Her mascara had fallen down her face, almost conforming her to Joker and she wiped away her tears in few swift motions.

"Ugh, okay, Phil" she stated, "now, tell me about everything, honey"

* * *

By the time I ended my story, we were both red in the face because if not me, then it was Louise who was crying. I told her about everything. Well, almost everything beside what I deducted from the talk with Diane and a few things that I decided I would keep to myself.

But as I finished, tea mug once again in my hands and Louise sitting by my side quietly, I realized how late it was and that I hadn't visitted Dan today yet. I shot upright at that thought, nearly spilling out what was yet in the cup.

"I hadn't seen him today, Louise!" I screamed, a real panic and worry mixed with guilt washing over me.

"Shh, that's fine, I think you still have got plenty of hours to do so" I glanced at my watch at that, noticing it was only four hours before the visitting hours would end.

"Yeah but... I need to see and check on him" I said, looking at her.

Louise hugged me then for a few minutes before she let go and told me, looking into my eyes,

"Okay but remember that anytime you need me, call me, okay?" I just nodded at her as she stood up from her seat. "Oh, and... tell Dan hi from me" I nodded once again as I put the cup back down on the table and led her to the doors. After she put on her coat and shoes, she hugged me tightly again and whispered,

"Take care, Phil" I smiled to her and closed the door as she left.

After getting some food into me and cleaning up after myself, I only took my phone and coat with me and quickly ran down the stairs. I called a cab and soon, but not as fast as I wanted to, I arrived at the hospital. I payed the driver and hastily went into the building, greeting Dorrie with only a nod as I made my way up onto the second floor.

I reached his level but I didn't like what I saw there. On both sides of Dan's room were guard police officers but there were two more in front of it. They were talking silently between each other, passing, what seemed to be, important informations.

"Hey, sorry to bother you..." I told, taking a breath as I was running all the way up here. The officers looked up at me from their notebooks then. I nodded in a way of greeting but they only scanned me with their eyes even more carefully.

"Umm... my friend's in there and I'm not sure if I could go now and visit him maybe?" when I finished my question, I suddenly realized how weird and stupid and chaotic it probably sounded.

"Oh, yeah... and yours name is...?"

"Phil. Philip Lester. Officer Track let me in yesterday" I told and one of the officers stepped closer to me, pointing at the door,

"You can't see Mr Howell right now, officer Track and Cantabeli is talking to him. You gotta wait for them to finish"

"Oh" I said, wondering for a second if Dan was being interrogated once again. I just hoped if he was, that he wouldn't have any more flashbacks or panick attacks.

The officer smiled politely at me what I took as a sign for me to back off from the conversation the group was having. So I stepped aside, sitting on the nearest black chair. I fumbled with my phone for a while because I couldn't get it out of my pocket. Only then I realized it wasn't my phone but Dan's. I must have taken the wrong device in my rush.

As I unlocked the screen, I trailed with my finger the line where the screen broke a little. The glass didn't shatter and it was still useable although I didn't think Dan would like to see his phone ever again. Much because now it also maintained such a visble sign of the accident. I was sure that every time Dan would look at his broken screen, he would recall this night again. That was for sure something I didn't want to happen.

I sighed as I put the phone back into my pocket and stared at the wall. I silently pried that the interrogation didn't take long. I still wanted to spend time with Dan today.

Suddenly, the door opened and an important looking officer went out of the room, Diane following behind. As they did, I stood up. Diane then shot me a glance as I almost stood up to talk to her and ask a few questions. I guessed she couldn't talk as the officer Cantabeli and a bunch of others would probably start suspecting something. And as Diane told me earlier, if someone knew that she overstepped her duties, she could get even fired.

So I simply passed them and slid into the room where Dan was. He was sitting on the bed, his knees pulled up and I thought he was fine. But then I noticed that his lips were quivering slightly.

"Hey, Dan" I greeted calmly as I slowly got closer to him and sat on a chair.

He glanced at me and whimpered,

"Hey" he shuddered suddenly, like his own voice scared him.

"How are you today?" I asked.

His bottom lip trembled as he spoke,

"Good..." he took in a breath before he added, tears in his eyes, "I mean, I'm bad, Phil! I'm bad! I feel fucking awful! I am disgusting! So much digusting! Have you seen me? How I look like now? I am fucking disgusting!" I knew he would keep talking like this and I couldn't stand when he was putting himself so low. His voice sounded nearly frantic and I wanted to close him in a hug. I didn't touch him at all though, I only sat on his bed and opened my arms for him, waiting for his permission or for him to make the first move.

Dan stopped talking then. He sniffed once before he jumped on me and clinged to my body. He wrapped his bruised arms around me and I let myself to give him a light comforting squeeze.

"Dan, none of this is your fault. You didn't want this, you didn't ask for this and for sure you are not disgusting. You are a beautiful, perfect human who's been hurt. But you will get through this, you will and I will be there with you, every step of the way. I care about you, Dan, and I will not leave you now" I spoke to the sobbing boy in my arms.

My heart hurt because of the amount of damage Dan had been given just only cuz some crazy rapist wanted to have fun. _That_ was disgusting. Not my wonderful, innocent Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Hope you enjoyed the ride! ^^  
> Sooo, the big announcement is that we've just reached *1000* hits! How amazing is that? ^^  
> There's even coming more of them! And at this point, I want to thank everyone who reads this story and likes it. All of your comments keep me going and make me smile all the time when I read them :)  
> Love all of you <3  
> Have a nice day/weekend/week/month/year/life of course! :*  
> My Tumblr: superasia8  
> My Twitter: superasia8


	6. Home sweet home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything's messed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, AreYouHaight and LovesReading (superasia8) here  
> Thanks for comments/kudos to CatDraconis, SherlockIsaGirlsName2898, bennycumbercutie, Amuchia, hehe, PinkSkyy, Azulatatis, KitsuneeChan and Fandomstwspn! :)  
> Basically, thank to all of you for your love and for most important; reading ;)
> 
> WARNINGS: mentions of rape, angst
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dan and Phil. This story is work of fiction.

I didn't really know for how long Dan had been kept at the hospital. It may had been a week. But it felt like ages had passed till he could be finally released. I could see how Dan had been growing more and more sick of this place with every next day. He hated hospitals anyway and being here for such a long time must had been very stressful and tiring for him. He must had been very glad when one time, just after the night doctor's round, Mr Jenkins announced he would be released on the next morning.

We had been waiting in silence for the doctor as we held each other's hands. I was still afraid that something would change and the decision would be cancelled. I didn't want Dan to be disappointed.

"Good morning, Dan, Mr Lester," the man greeted both of us as he walked into the room. I rubbed at my tired eyes as I squeezed Dan's hand lightly. I felt him squeeze it back and I smiled.

Mr Jenkins stood in front of Dan's bed as he checked his vitals once again. His forehead wrinkled a little and for a while I held my breath. But then his lips formed a bright, genuine smile as he told,

"You're fine, Dan. You seem like you're free to go"

I heard Dan letting out a long breath out. I glanced at him briefly before I turned my attention toward the doctor,

"So, when can we go?"

"Hmm, anytime. Just pack your things up," Dan perked up at this. "But first, you have to sign a paper. I would also like to talk to your boyfriend for a while, Dan, if I may...?" doctor asked and I blushed furiously.

"We're... umm, we're not actually a couple," replied Dan shyly.

"Oh..." Mr Jenkins didn't seem put off by this at all. "But you do live together, right?" we both nodded in agreement as the doctor continued, "so I would still like to talk to you for a while, Phil. I'll be waiting outside," he said. He put away the cardboard and left the room.

I looked at Dan, searching for his brown eyes,

"I gotta go then," I whispered. "Will you be fine?" I asked worryingly, placing my hand over his. He glanced at me, his cheeks flushed as he mumbled,

"I will, I don't have so much to pack after all," I chuckled at his remark, giving him a kiss on the head.

I went out, leaving Dan on his own. I took one look around the corridor to spot Mr Jenkins who was sitting in one of the chairs. He was searching through some papers but the second he noticed me, he stood up.

"I offer we go into my office, Mr Lester," he said, his tone strictly official. I only nodded, following him down the corridor and walking into, what I supposed, was his private office. We both sat down, him by the desk and me opposite from him.

"Umm, I do not entirely understand the purpose of this talk, to be honest," I confessed. I had no idea what was going on. Was something bad up with Dan? Maybe he catched some disease? But, no, we had been given the results merely two days ago, it was impossible that they weren't right?

"Don't worry, Mr Lester. Dan is physically healthy," I cringed at the use of word _physically_. It only made me more concerned. "What seems to be the problem is his mental state," he paused, locking his hands together in front of himself.

I took in a breath. So I was right about something being wrong.

"Mr Howell's reaction to the accident hinted that he may have received the Post Thraumatic Stress Disorder as a consequence to what he went through." I furrowed my brows. It didn't sound well.

"We do not have any certain reasons to state this though as we haven't been observing Mr Howell for long enough to do so," he laid some paper on the desk, pushing it slightly toward me. I grabbed and quickly scanned the text, big writing catching my attention most,

_**Sexual Assault Referral Centre** _

I looked up at the doctor, many questions rising in my head.

"It would be good if Mr Howell turned up there," he explained and I just nodded, engulfed in my thoughts. "I would recommend for Dan to find some good therapist, too. The other case is that, you need to be ready for many mood swings, bursts of anger, sadness. He may suddenly start isolating himself or become very cuddly. And those behaviors are truly normal for people who went through something like he did. It's their way of coping with the event, _surviving..._ " he spoke but then doors were abruptly pushed open and the doctor stopped in mid sentence.

I turned around in my seat to discover it was Mrs Howell. I stood up right away.

"Hello doctor," Dan's mum said, sounding a bit cold. Doctor's forehead creased as he stood up as well, saying his 'good morning' to her.

"Morning, Mrs Howell," the woman only flashed me a weak smile and I felt very small out of a sudden.

"Mr Lester..." Mr Jenkins started as he stepped forward, shaking my hand. "I think I told you what you ought to know. And, please," he pressured, slipping into my hands the booklets and papers secretly, "try and talk with Mr Howell about what we've talked about"

"Okay, I will," I assured, giving him a light smile, "Goodbye," I told before going out into the corridor.

I breathed out deeply there, trying to get some of the tension off me. I didn't want to worry Dan more with looking worried. I could see Ms Howell was worried and stressed herself.

_Why though?_

I sighed, feeling exasperated as I decided to give up on my speculations. I didn't want my imagination to lead me too far.

I walked back to Dan's room, knocking on the door before going in.

Dan was sitting on the bed, his back to me. His bag was packed, looking almost _over_ -packed.

"Hey," I greeted quietly but he seemed as though my words didn't reach his ears. I stepped toward him slowly, making sure it didn't look like I was sneaking up on him. The last thing I wanted now, was for him to freak out.

Finally, he turned his head toward me and I insecurely sat down next to him. He gazed out the window and I shyly took his hand in mine. Dan jerked out of his thoughts, his head snapping toward mine. I gave him a smile,

"It's only me... Are you ready, Dan?"

"Yes," he whispered, his eyes a bit teary. I squeezed his hand and he took in a little breath.

"It's gonna be fine, Dan. I'm sure," I assured him. Dan nodded to me, biting on his lip as he sank in his thoughts again.

* * *

 

The sun was unbelievably bright, making this day seem like we weren't in London. Everything looked so happy. The little rays of sun were making their way through the blinds and created little shadows on the hospital's room's floor where Dan spent his past days.

The incident was nearly constantly on my mind.

Last days seemed totally unreal. I couldn't get over the fact what happened. It was shocking me every time I recalled that Dan, _Dan,_ had been hurt so much. It was horrible, the thought that one incident, caused by some maniac, was going to change his whole life from now on.

Everything would be different, nothing was going to be the same, I thought as we hopped off the cab, Dan jumping out as soon as the driver stopped. I glanced worriedly after him as he disappeared behind the front door. Dan was nearly hyperventilating during the whole cab drive. His breathing was rapid and I needed to calm him down all the time, whispering to him. Either way, I was sure he would start having an immense panic attack.

"I think some flowers and a nice dinner should brighten up your boyfriend's mood," I heard out of a sudden. I jerked toward the voice, suddenly making an eye contact with the cab driver. He winked at me as he drove off, leaving me flustered and red in the face. Why was everyone beginning to make remarks like this? We were just friends, for Pikachu's love!

I stomped toward the flat, running hand through my hair. No matter how much I wanted to tell myself we were just friends, I knew we weren't _just_ friends. Well, we weren't a couple, anything like that but over the five years we've known each other, it would be crazy to say we were _just friends._ Because you cannot tell that about the person you know better than your own mum.

I opened the door silently, trying to sense where Dan could have gone. I peeked into the lounge but seeing it empty, I turned toward his bedroom.

There he was, I thought as I saw his figure through the little space in the doors. Dan was sitting on his bed, head in hands as his body shook uncontrollably. My heart melted but I held back from crying. I didn't want to show my pity because I didn't want him to feel bad.

I sank onto his bed next to him, leaving a slightly bigger space between us than I would usually. In moments like this, it was better not to get into his personal space too much.

Dan was trembling as he sobbed quietly. I would like to do something for him but I wasn't sure what was appropiate of me. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable so I offered him my company.

After what could be five minutes, I whispered, praying he wouldn't cringe that much,

"Do you wanna a hug?" Dan flinched and moved away from me. He must have not realized I was here.

He looked up, his red eyes finding mine and I offered him my open arms. He sniffed once before he launched into me. He kept on crying fully now,

"I'm sorry, Phil, I'm sorry! I didn't know it was gonna be so hard! I thought we were just gonna come back here and I could try not to think about it! But I can't! I can't and that terrifies me!" he was choking on tears. "It's coming back all the time and I have no idea how to stop it! I wish I could drink some magic potion and forget it all..." he whispered at the end and I only held him close, rubbing his back gently.

It was selfish of me but I didn't want him to foget me.

* * *

 

Days went by and Dan began to slowly accommodate to life again. I would make breakfast for us and we would get into fights over anime and games. We would watch Buffy and we would talk about the weather, make jokes and comments about films. You would say everything was right and normal again.

Besides, it wasn't.

There were times when I would be walking down the corridor when I would hear Dan's sobs coming from his room. I would ask him if he's alright and he would always tell he's fine. I would tell him he can trust me and talk to me about anything and he would nod.

There were times when I would walk up on him sitting in corner of his room, muttering to himself words which never reached my ears. I would calm him down even though he would tell me he's fine. I would tell he can trust me with anything and he would just nod.

There were times when Dan wouldn't talk to me for a whole day. He would eat his breakfast or leave the untouched plate where I left it for him. To avoid accidentally stumbling upon me, Dan would spend the day in his room or... oh, yeah, only in his room. I would try to talk to him but he would always brush me off, telling he's busy or giving me other ridicoulous excuses. I never complained though, having in mind what Dr Jenkins told me about. I would tell Dan he can trust me and he would just nod.

There were times when nothing out of ordinary would happen. Dan and I would go about with our daily lives and I would hope that things were brighting up finally. But then, at some time of the day, I would find Dan crumpled on the floor as he would be crying his eyes out, screaming to himself that he should have done something. I would calm him down and tell him how none of this was his fault. He would eventually settle down and I would tell him he can trust me and he would start crying again.

There were moments when I would offer Dan to hung out with some of our friends as we hadn't seen them for a vey long time. He would only shot me a glance and lock himself in his room for the rest of the day. I would knock and ask him if he's okay. He wouldn't respond and I would tell him he can trust me with anything. I would walk away with no word from him.

There was one day when I brought up to Dan the Sexual Assault Referral Centre. I told him there are councellors who he could talk with. I told him they wouldn't judge him. I told him they would help him. He would stay silent, listening to me while tears made their way down his face. I offered him a hug and ended up comforting him while he choked, apologizing for what had happened. I told him it was none of his fault but he didn't believe me. I left the brochure on his nightstand after I tucked him in his bed.

There were many different days, ones better, others worse. But none of them prepared me for this one night.

It was a bit late and I was just gonna get into my bed after finally uploading a video. Then I heard it,

"NO! No, leave me! Please! Stop! PLEASE STOP! I DON'T WANT TO!" I quickly jumped out of my bed and ran into Dan's room. Pushing the door open, I saw Dan. He was screaming ambiguous words. Tears were falling down his eyes and he was crumpled into a ball. He was hugging himself as though he tried protecting himself from the attacker. My heart dropped at the view in front of me.

"STAY AWAY! PLEASE, NO! PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME!" he pleaded his imagined attacker. "Please, no... It hurts, it hurts..." he kept on repeating. "I don't want to, I don't want to, please don't make me, please..." I slowly made my way up o his bed, leaning toward whimpering Dan.

Just as I was about to reach out my hand to wake him up, Dan whispered again,

"I just wanna go home... Please, please, please..." he was rambling through his sleep constantly now. His fingers were digging into his palms but when I gently shook him, they only digged with more force.

"No!" he shouted, wriggling frantically.

"Hey, Dan, it's me. It's Phil," I repeated while I shook him delicately, hoping it would wake him up soon.

"Stop! Leave me! Let me go! Let me _go!"_

"Dan, it's only me, it's Phil. You're safe now, Bear. Please, wake up," I pleaded, gently moving his now curly hair out of his eyes. Dan was hot and sweating so much.

Despite my begs, Dan didn't wake up. He was only shaking more and more and words coming out of his mouth made me fall apart,

"Please, please, it hurts, it hurts so bad, please stop..."

Tears welled up in my eyes as I realised Dan was going through that night once again. He was experiencing it again and the thought hurt. Dan suddenly went limp and I stopped breathing for a second. He opened his eyes slowly. But when he noticed presence of someone else, he jumped up immediately. I stepped away quickly. Dan was taking in fast breaths as he glanced between me and the doors, like he was trying to make sure he could escape at any moment.

"Dan, you're fine now. Calm down, Bear. You're safe here, you're safe," I kept repeating while I put my hands up to show him I didn't have any weapon on myself. "You had a nightmare but you're fine now. It's over now," I told him and watched his muscles relaxing after a while. He blinked once, looking at me as though he finally recognised me.

"Ph- Phil?" he whispered, his voice cracking.

"Yes, it's me, Dan. It's Phil. You're fine now. You're safe here"

I slowly got closer to him, my hands still in the air so he wouldn't freak out. I stopped one metre away from him. Dan's lips were parted and he was breathing erratically. His arms shook as he let out a cry. He slid to the floor, wrapping his arms around himself.

"I'm sorry, Phil! I'm so sorry!" he hid his head in his arms.

"No, don't be sorry, Dan," I told softly, kneeling to his level. I wanted to give him any sort of comforting touch to assure him he's not alone. But I couldn't just do it, Dan would freak out.

"You have to put up with me! I'm such a burden to you, you have so many problems because of me..." I cut in before he would go into a full babble mode.

"Dan, _stop._ " he stopped abruptly, looking up at me with scared eyes. I realised I must've frightened him just now and I would hit myself if not that Dan would totally freak out then. "Dan, listen to me. I care about you and I do it all because you're my friend and I wouldn't forgive myself if I did nothing. I want to make sure you're fine. You're definitely not a problem to me, I care about you deeply and I want you to be alright and happy again. And I'll do whatever is in my power to make all that happen," I promised, staring into his brown eyes, recalling that one night with the fatal panick attack and the promise I've made back then. I wasn't going to break it.

"Phil, I..." he whispered, glancing into my eyes. There was a glint of something I've never seen before yet. And maybe that should be enough to prepare me for what happened next. Or at least warn me. But it didn't.

And as Dan brought his lips to mine, my thoughts started swirling and became one big mess. Before my mind went totally blank, my mind managed yet to help me realise that,

_Dan and I are kissing._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Sorry for the long absence in writing. I've run into a few things and everything got really messed up at one point but, huh, hopefully it's over :)  
> Hope you enjoyed and, pleaassee, give it some love ^^  
> Tumblr/Twitter: superasia8


	7. Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Usually when something unexpected happens, the consequences can be either bad or worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello.  
> My name is  
> [ Jo ]  
> Okay, and now seriously; hi guys! It's been over a year since I updated this story but life happened and I lost interest for this story and I didn't want to write at a push. And then more life happened, even more life happened. I don't want to go into any detail, but health problems, school problems, some other problems happened. But I am back!  
> I decided I will finish this story. My writing may have changed a little, so pardon if it's different. I hope you enjoy!

There were plenty of thoughts I had in my mind that I thought would never happen. For example, it was meeting a cosmonaut, talking with a dog or actually wearing matching socks for once in my lifetime. But there was also something else that stood definitely above all those things. Something which seemed to be out of my reach.

Kissing Daniel Howell certainly belonged to this category. It lay in a box with a label _'will never happen'._ Stuffed in the far back of my mind. So when we started kissing, my entire world spun around.

Because _Dan and I_ were kissing.

His chapped lips against mine. His warm minty breath and the air he breathed that I could get the taste of. And the confusion filling every ounce of my mind. The questions, the doubts if this was even real, and the surprise when I realised I was kissing him back and that it felt _incredible_. That I was happy and alive in this very moment. More than I could ever be.

His lips glided over mine and it was pure magic. A moan passed my lips as Dan brought me even closer. There was nothing more important in that moment than us. Time froze. It was just me and him. And those godamn perfect lips on mine. And the thought that it was _us;_ _so close_ and together _._

Dan flinched hard and pulled away suddenly, leaving me breathless and panting. He struggled for a breath himself and looked at his hands intently, his ears a flammable red. And that's when another realisation striked me.

Dan and I had kissed.

Dan and I. Two friends so often being called a married couple. Two _friends_ , not boyfriends, or anything more than _best friends_. My heart stung, the realisation turned it into a bundle of pain.

I swallowed hard, still trying to catch my breath. I opened my mouth when Dan got up off of his bed. Clumsily running out of the room, he barely tripped over his own two feet. The doors closed quietly after him. The sound of his footsteps faded away into silence.

Running a hand through my tousled hair, I breathed out slowly.

My hands were shaking, like I've just been handed a baby. I could feel how wrong it was for me to let Dan kiss me. After all, my _friend_ (not anything more, right?) wasn't fine. He was beyond it, to say the least. And I, Philip Lester, who's supposedly the most caring and understanding person on the planet, who should have known what _not_ to do, didn't stop Dan from doing something he probably hadn't meant.

I hit the bed a few times, but the punches did nothing but made my frustration rise. Why hadn't I done anything? Why had I not stopped him? Why had I let him do such thing?

The answer was, because maybe I didn't want to. Or maybe I did. I didn't know anymore.

Hiding my head in my hands, I let out a shaking breath. I couldn't break down now, I should have just got over the little crush I had on my friend. A crush I still had, even after three years of no action.

I was an adult, what, a man in his late twenties? Who had a YouTube career and was living a perfect life with his best friend, a sweet man who was the best companion I would ever dream of.

And here I was; contemplating why but at the same time recalling the way Dan's lips felt on mine, how perfect and whole I felt when I was so close to him.

I felt pathetic.

I should have gone to him. Dan was probably freaking out. If touch became such a hard action for him, then what would kissing do to my friend?

Gathering all the courage I could only find, I stood up from the bed.

In and out, in and out, I repeated as I made my way over to the lounge. This was Dan, _Dan,_ he wouldn't make such a big deal out of it, right? I wondered if we could just forget. Act as if nothing happened. And maybe Dan could and maybe it wouldn't bring him any more tears.

What I was sure about was that I would never be able to do the same. To forget. I knew I could never look at Dan the same way again, my mind would forever be haunted with the feeling of us being so close and his perfect lips on mine- But it didn't matter.

As I stood in the doorframe of our lounge, I immediately spotted a bundle of blankets laying on the sofa. Its visitor was shaking visibly.

"Dan?", I called out, quietly because Dan flinched hard whenever my voice rose above normal. In the end, sometimes it was safer to whisper.

"Dan, I," I took a quick breath in, trying to shake off the nerves that settled in the pit of my stomach. "It's nothing, okay? Nothing really happened, Dan, you hear me?" I said, sitting down slowly on the far end of the sofa. Leaving space between us, but leaning forward toward the quivering boy hidden in blankets.

I run a hand through my hair.

"We can- it doesn't have to change anything, alright?"

A sob came from the bundle.

"Dan..." I whispered, staring in his direction as though it could help me see and reach to him. "You're probably scared, but it's totally okay," I decided to say at last. Dan couldn't blame himself when he'd been through so much only weeks before. I was the one responsible for him, at least until he recovered. This whole situation should have never taken a place. We wouldn't need to have this conversation if I have kept my guard. I should have _thought_ , and not just let my emotions step in.

"Look, this is on me, Dan. I shouldn't have let you- I should have stopped you, it was clearly not a good idea. Don't blame yourself, please," I begged, closing my eyes, eyelids growing heavy as waterfalls built up under.

I hated this part. I hated what I had to do because I knew I wouldn't mean everything that would come out of my mouth. I had to do it, though.

Anything for Dan. Anything for my friend.

I bit on my bottom lip, taking a shuddering breath and facing away from Dan. Like doing so would change anything, would ensure me I was doing the right thing.

"I know you didn't mean it, Dan. It's okay," I shut my eyes, desperately wishing I didn't need to say this. I didn't have a choice. My friend's health would always come first.

"I want you to know that this won't change anything between us. We are friends, okay? And we always will be."

Dan didn't say anything; what could he?

"This... This was an accident, Dan. Nothing more."

A lonely tear rolled down my cheek. I didn't bother wiping it; it's not like Dan could see me in now.

"I'll be in my room, if you need me," I informed, sitting up and leaving the room.

I couldn't break down in front of Dan. He needed me, I had to be strong.

And stop loving him the way best friends don't.

_~ * ~ ~ * ~_

A paper ball hit me in the head. I looked up from my paperwork.

"So, will you go out again soon?", Mike, my partner, asked me from across the room. He was sitting by his desk, sipping on his coffee. It was ten in the evening.

"Oh, I don't know yet," I shrugged him off, getting back to work. If Mike asks again, I might commit a crime.

"What, he's not your type? I thought you two were getting along pretty well. He looked at you like, like I don't know, like you're a miracle," the guy went on and my fingers tightened around my pen.

I grimaced, "We did. Tense past perfect, Mikey."

Mike's head spun around to me and I bit at my bottom lip. He was trying to read my thoughts, but a deeper talk was everything I didn't need. Jake was... too fresh a memory to talk and joke about with Mike yet. Our banter usually reached a high level. This was not the time I could do it.

A phone rang. Mike glanced at me in a way _'Don't think we're done talking yet,'_ and he picked up the receiver.

I breathed out, grateful for the intermission and focused on the boring blank places I had to fill out.

"Mike Wild. . . What? Now? It's ten!" Mike spoke, his face scrunched in dissatisfaction.

I giggled quietly to myself and carried on with the papers. It was so boring, if not the criminals we put to jail, the paperwork would always be the second thing to kill us.

"Okay, got it. Yeah, we'll be there in ten," he said before he ended the call.

I raised my brows, staring at him questioningly. Mike ran a hand through his hair then rubbed at his invisible beard.

"You gonna tell me or what?" I broke the silence and he flinched.

"The local police rang," he said, still not quite with me. "They've found a body." He stood up from his chair and went for his coat.

I couldn't help the wrinkle that crossed my forehead, "And why the local police is handing this to FBI?"

Mike threw his black outerwear on his broad shoulders and crossed the room, tossing me my own. I caught it and looked at him with curiosity.

"They say it's something for us. Dress up."

_~ * ~ ~ * ~_

We walked briskly toward the high building in front of us. It was surrounded with police, a coroner's car and on-lookers, as usual. They were just packing up the girl's body.

Mike threw me a glance but I ignored it. It was not the first victim, if he thought I couldn't do it, he should stop worrying or say it in my face. I quickened my pace so that I was the first to talk with the police officer.

"Officer Diane Track and officer Mike Wild, FBI," I recited, flashing the man my badge. Mike stepped next to me, smiling politely, but his lips were a thin line. I grinned at him, knowing I pissed off his ego. He always hated when I introduced us first. Such a child.

We passed the police tapes and flashed our badges to any police officer that stepped in our way. After five times we had to prove our identity, we reached the fifth floor.

We passed the police tapes and flashed our badges to any police officer that stepped in our way. The building was old, but unlike the facade, the inside was actually clean and neat. The paint on the walls was quite new yet, and the staircase we climbed wasn't littered. After five times we had to prove our identity, we reached the fifth floor. We went past an elderly lady, shaking all over her body so much, her wooden cane tapped the floor in unsteady rhytm. Two police officers were trying to calm her down to question her, but to no effect.

The woman must have been in shock. She was small, her hair was chignoned, grey strands tied in a neat knot. A stereotypical elderly nice lady.

Mike elbowed me, pointing his head in the direction of the flat the student lived in. Had lived in.

"I feel sorry for her," I muttered. Mike laughed once.

"Yeah, well, get this," he said as he held the door open for me. "Erick said they had a call from a really frustrated woman with a complaint about how students didn't study these days, did nothing but party. Her vocabulary was really... imaginative."

I walked through the door, "It will only make her guilty," I pointed out quietly, now that we were inside.

Mike shrugged as he followed me. The small apartment was full of police officers and technicians. Erick, Mike's buddy from the local police, welcomed us by the door.

"What do we have here?" Mike asked, observing people going in and out, running around like ants.

"A murder. We had a call about a noise complaint. It'd be nothing, but the caller was pestering the dispositor so much, he had to promise her to send someone." Mike grinned at me, mouthing _'A nice lady?'_ and I rolled my eyes.

"Show us the crime scene," I ordered. Erick glanced at me, then at Mike, and I swear I'd punch them both if I wasn't representing the law. I pretended not to notice their knowing silent exchange as Mike nodded in agreement.

His buddy turned and led us through the flat; through the small hall and lounge into the victim's bedroom. The smell was awful; blood and semen, and I had to cover my mouth for a second.

"Ms Ferrington hasn't answered to our calls and we entered; the officers fortunately found a key under the matte."

"How safe," I muttered, as Erick opened the door and let us in.

If the smell was horrible, now it was unbearable. It hit us hard and I had to refrain from leaving the room in instant. I looked around, trying to pinpoint what has happened. As I stared at the bloodied up covers on the bed, the lonely and empty glass of wine, Erick didn't really have to tell me.

"What's your assumption?" I asked, crouching beside the shards of glass that lay on the floor. A guest perhaps?

Erick shifted on his place, "I'd say a drug date, but they've found some... drawing on the victim's body."

I closed my eyes. The same drawing that the killer has left on the other victims. The same drawing that was found on Emily's body...

"You don't have to do this," Mike whispered as he crouched beside me. Erick has left the room with a bad excuse, something about the photographs which wouldn't be done for at least an hour.

"I do," I said, standing up, Mike following in suit. "I do and I will because he let me," I told, staring him in the eye, challenging for him to say anything alongside, _'You don't have to lead this case.'_

"Diane, if it's bad, maybe you should-"

"What, step away? I've been working this case three years, don't think I'll give up now."

Mike stared at me, but I wasn't going to give in. I had this case, even though everyone was afraid I'd crack up at some point. But no, I would show them just how wrong they were.

He looked down, sighed, "Alright. You think it's our killer?"

I glanced around the room, no signs of struggle and no signs of breaking in.

"We can't be sure until we have a look at the body."

Mike nodded. "But you do think it will show?"

"I have a hunch," I replied, stepping toward the bed. Erick walked in, no photographs on him of course.

The location was a bit different this time. The victims has always been found either in dark alleys or somewhere away from people, but never in their homes.

"He has broken the pattern," I muttered.

Mike cast a critical eye at me, "Has he ever had one?"

I grimaced, "This is different," I said, pointing at the bed and the glass. "He's never murdered so close to the other people. Never has he befriended the victim before killing them."

My partner blinked twice, staring at me. He stammered, "You think he's feeling more confident?"

I shrugged, "Probably." I looked at the empty glass of wine standing on the nightstand. "Can be a rape date, though. We've got to check the drawings. Maybe after Howell's escape, he wants to show he's not afraid of us."

"So he's met the girl before killing her?" he asked, sceptical.

"The shards, Mike, he paid her a visit. The wine," I pointed out, but Mike looked at me, doubtful. "She must have opened the door for him," I muttered.

"Wouldn't be too hard for him to do it on his own, don't you think?"

I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"Why would he engage... emotionally with the victim? Pleasure has always been his only priority."

I rubbed my temples, "I don't know. Maybe, maybe it's because Howell has survived the attack?"

Mike stared at me, his nose crinkled. "You really believe yourself?"

I stared back at him. "As I said, we can't be sure. But I can bet we find the same drawings."

I took a long glance around the room.

"And I think it's time we talk with Howell properly."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very unsure about posting this since it's been so long I've updated, so your opinion will be much appreciated :) Let me know if you like the difference between the old and the new chapter. I'd love to hear from you ^_^  
> tumblr/twitter: superasia8

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you're not going to throw stuff at me now :p  
> I'll try to upload the new chapter in some really not far away future BUT, no promises atm :)  
> Bye and celebrate the last day of this year the best you can!


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